This Much I know

I hesitate to spend much time thinking about this because I have found that the quickest way to not be "good" is to claim that you're "good."

But, you heard it here first.....I'm good.

This year has been another great year of healing and restoration.  I feel like so much of what used to weigh heavily on me has been washed by grace.  I can walk away from conversations that used to send me into a tailspin with a new sense of peace and an understanding that it's not my problem to solve.  Boundaries are firmly in place, and I have done the work I needed to do to detach and separate my self worth from other people's opinions of me.  I have an assurance that my feet are firmly planted in Christ's love for me.  I'm good.

I have a firm sense that God truly is at work in my life, and that He is working all things for my good.  I have become part of the Student Ministries Team, where God has blessed me with an awesome group of girls to work with.  I love the fact that working with this ministry taps into the healthy stuff of my life.  This isn't a group of troubled girls.  I don't need to draw on my own troubled past in order to connect with them.  God's hand and God's timing is covering this entire aspect of my life right now, and I'm excited to be a part of it.

I have a hope, which leads to the faith to trust, and the confidence to become all that God has created me to be.  I have been given several opportunities to help others see that there are specific traits and skills that God has given them to use.  After pointing this out to enough people, I started to think that maybe that is true in my own life.  I have always had this huge, big picture perspective and thought that I needed to find something great to do.  When I switch to a smaller perspective and focus on the little ways that God has uniquely gifted me, it changes everything. I now understand how thinking small will lead to the big.  And it's the only way to get there.

The reason I hesitate to think about this is because I'm still working on letting go of the victim mindset I've had for so very long.  I feel like things need to be a mess in order for me to be comfortable.  I feel like I need chaos in order to have people involved in my life.  I've come a long way in this thinking, but I was afraid that by declaring that I'm good it would feel like I was giving up the pursuit of getting better.  I now get that those two things are not mutually exclusive.  I'm so much better, healthier, than I've ever been, and yet I'm also still so committed to continually getting better, and healthier, in every part of my life.  I'm also afraid of the cliche of walking out of rehab, only to find myself back a few months later.  So I'm not walking away from rehab.  I'm switching from the inpatient program to the day program.  I'm still committed to taking care of myself, and I'm still aware of how fragile my self worth is.  I'm in good shape today, and I've got a whole toolbox to help me if I'm not in good shape tomorrow. 

But today, I'm good.  This much I know.

Turn Right to Go Left

So I'm really struggling through some things in my head right now.  Struggling with self doubt, struggling with body image, struggling with insecurities that just won't seem to go away.  There are things that I thought I had dealt with that are just manifesting themselves in my life in a different way than before.  The phrase I keep coming back to is trading one addiction for another.  I've done a lot of work in a lot of different areas, but there are just some deeply ingrained coping mechanisms that continue to creep back up in one form or another.  While the addictions themselves are not good, the worse part is the reason behind them.  The reason I want to eat, puke, smoke, cut, sleep, drink, etc is the thing that needs to still be dealt with.  I suppose just the fact that I can recognize that is a sign of growth right there.

I've got some things set up on my social media that are there for the sole purpose of just helping me to build some awareness.  I started following certain people or groups not with the intent to copy them to get the results they got, but just to start to watch what they do and say.  One of the themes I'm noticing is that before you can beat the self doubt, before you can squash the insecurity issues, you have to already not have self doubt and insecurities.  I'm hoping a "fake it til you make it" mentality will work, because I just can't seem to get there yet.

One of my big issues right now is body image.  I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight.  The one thing I've noticed from all of the transformation people I follow on Instagram is that they will all say they had to love themselves as they were before they could create lasting change.  It seems so counter-intuitive.  I'll love myself when I'm thinner.  In my mind, if I love myself now, then that's saying this is okay, and it's not.  I know myself pretty well, and if there's a loophole to be found, I will find it.  I'm afraid that accepting, no not only accepting, but actually loving myself will feel like permission to just stay the same.

Logically, I think I understand how this works.  I get the whole big picture idea that God loves us just as we are, but loves us too much to let us stay there.  It makes sense to me that once I truly love and appreciate myself fully, I'll want to take care of myself, and it will lead to better, healthier choices.  Logically, it makes perfect sense.  I'd try to sell that to someone else.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe about myself.

I'll love me when I'm better, but I can't be better until I love me.  It's a crazy cycle.

All Up In Here

In my head I'm a very loving person.  I have so many kind thoughts about what should be done for others or what should be said to someone.  I very rarely act on those thoughts.  I thought that I didn't follow through with my ideas because I'm introverted and just didn't want to interact with people that much, but now I'm not convinced that introversion is my real reason for holding back.

I've been thinking a lot about being who God really created me to be.  I love this idea that God gave me unique talents, gifts, personality, and thoughts that are specific to me.  Who am I that the creator of the universe would put so much thought into weaving together these intricate details that make me me?  I'm his daughter, that's who.  And with those intricate details that are only mine comes a responsibility, a freeing and empowering responsibility to just be me.  To be the best version of me that I can be.

I see a lady struggling with her kids at a restaurant and I think "someone should make her day and pay for her meal."  I see an elderly man trying to unload his groceries and I think "someone should help him."  I see a girl crying while pumping her gas and I think "someone should go talk to her."  I see a pastor pouring his heart and soul into ministry and I think "someone should encourage him."  Most of the time, I act on none of it.  Although I'm teaching my kids to spot it and do it.  Cade has no problem inserting himself into someone else's life like that, so I send him.  And on one hand that's good because hopefully he's learning to look out for others, and serve others, but on the other hand, that doesn't let me off the hook at all.

So in thinking about these things that happen in my head and never in real life, I was trying to think about what holds me back from doing them.  I came up with three fears that stop me in my tracks every time.

1. It will take up too much of my own time.  What if giving and serving others takes more than I want to offer?  What if a quick task turns into something bigger?  I'm not good with boundaries or confrontation or difficult conversations, and I'm afraid I'll have to either tell someone no or else be sucked into something much bigger than what I wanted to give.  
2. I'm afraid my loving words or deeds will be misconstrued to be seen as romantic or inappropriate feelings.  This is one hundred percent my own baggage.  This fear comes from a couple different places, one being "did this happen because I was asking for it?  Is this somehow my fault?"  So I put up this great big wall, a huge brick wall with barbed wire around the top, and shards of glass sticking out from the brick.  I give off this "I don't like you" vibe to nearly everyone, just in case.  Just to be clear, I error on the side of "I have no interest in you."  Wow, did not realize how big of a deal this one was until I started writing this.  This is where there is healing that still needs to happen.  Healing and restoration. 
3. I'm also afraid that I will put all this love out there into the world, and none will come back to me.  I'm afraid that I will invest in other people, I will bless other people, I will encourage them and love them, and then when I'm down they won't do the same.  If I haven't invested in anyone else, then it's okay when nobody comes alongside me when I'm struggling.  I'm afraid that I need to keep love for myself; that I need to love myself because nobody else will.  I've invested pretty heavily into some friendships over the last year or so, and yet still wonder if the other person would text if I stopped texting them.  And it shouldn't matter, I know that.  I have this loving God who has the whole world in his hands, but last I checked he didn't have a cell phone in his hand.  When it's me that needs the encouragement and needs to feel loved and cared for, will He hold up his end of the deal and provide comfort?  I don't know. I think of this like the tithing thing, where it's all his anyway, and if I just give him a little, he will return it back to me so many more times over.  Logically, I can buy into that.  Emotionally, I'm not there yet.  I'm not able to trust that if I give of myself, if I invest my love in others, then he will fill me back up.  

So, what if the good that God created in me really is in my ability to see brokenness all around and see tangible ways to make it a little better?  What if my head isn't a mess, but actually hardwired to love and be loved?  What if the God who is faithful and just really does have a plan for this broken world, a plan that involves me holding a door, smiling at a stranger, buying lunch for a tired mother, or grabbing a coffee for a coworker?  What if up in my head is where he is doing some of his best work yet?  If I were to buy into that, and trust God for the rest, who knows where it could lead.

Open and Shut

Ahhhhhh, it happened, just like it always does.  I miss a day or two of posting, and then it's a week, and then it turns into two months with no posts.  I've thought a million times about different things I wanted to write about, I just didn't make the time to do so.  Oh well, I'll just jump back in.

I feel like I've reached the critical point in a couple of my relationships where I have to consciously decide to stay open and continue to build the friendship rather than shut down and retreat.  I don't handle this point well.  I can look back on some friendships I've had that started to get a little too personal and see how I sabotaged them so that I could remain isolated and not have people on the inside.  But then I hit a rough patch in life and I wonder why people aren't coming along side me to be supportive and help.  It's because I had shut them out.  I know I can't have it both ways.

I'm not really sure how to do it.  I guess it's by sharing more personal things and trusting the person to do the same, as they feel comfortable doing so.  It's just weird to me.  I never had a best friend growing up.  I never thought I was interesting enough to maintain someones friendship.  I guess I never thought anyone would find it fun to hang out and just do nothing with me.  I am pretty good about sticking to an agenda or serving a purpose, it's after that that I don't feel like I have anything to offer to the relationship.  Perhaps it's based on not thinking very highly of myself, or not trusting myself, but I haven't done this very well thus far.

This topic seemed a little more interesting in my head. I guess I'll just keep plugging away with the couple of friendships I have been investing in, and see what naturally unfolds, when I decide to remain open.

Who Knew

I’m kind of wading through a tough season right now.  It’s not at all something I would have expected to be so effected by.  I really have no idea who (if anyone) reads this, so the situation will be described in generalities.

This job has been one of those times where I know that God just lined everything up perfectly.  The timing of it in regards to other things happening in my life could not have been more perfect.  In the first year at this position I was working through some pretty dark stuff from my past, and every thought and every memory would rain down negativity into my world and all I could see were so many ways that I had screwed up and so many reasons why I’d not amount to anything more.  It was during this time that I had the privilege of working with someone who not only saw my strengths and worked to draw them out of me, but also empowered me in a way that made me start to see them too.  For the first time I was starting to think that I really might be okay, maybe even a little awesome, despite it all.  Every interaction I had with this woman just poured encouragement into me that much more.  It wasn’t a close relationship; it really wasn’t much more than a casual working relationship, but her position in my life at that time was exactly what I needed to keep going, keep digging, keep working through junk with a hope that I would come out okay on the other side.

So everything is in this huge state of flux right now.  I don’t mind change, per se, but I am very bothered by uncertainty.  That alone has me a little freaked out.  But in addition to the general uncertainty, it has become clear that we won’t be working together anymore.  As if that weren’t upsetting enough, I was actually a member of the search committee that had a hand in this decision.  I’ve never prayed so hard for wisdom in my entire life.  I’ve never chosen my words as carefully as I did during those committee discussions.  I have a hope that there is something better coming for both of us, something better than either of us could have planned.  Hanging onto that hope is just about the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind right now.  The emotion I have surrounding this whole situation is completely surprising to me because, honestly, if I were to list my “friends” or even “influential people” in my life, I’m not even sure she would have made either list.  Maybe it’s just tough because I hate conflict and don’t like anyone to be upset, but I think it might be more than that. 

Whatever it is, it’s not fun.  I’m trying to understand the purpose behind it.  I would say that this is one of the first times I’ve walked through a decision like this with the utmost integrity.  I thought that by doing everything the right way this time that God would honor that and everything would turn out perfect.  And maybe it still will.  Maybe I have too small of an idea of what “perfect” can look like.  I can only cling to what I know to be the character of an all-loving God who is continually shaping me into the image he has for me.  I’m disappointed, but I have a hope that it’s not over yet.

Whatcha Got?

This is one of those times where I can feel the stars aligning.  I’m holding my breath, waiting to see how it’s going to turn out.  

Sometimes my life is in such a state of flux, and I am not ready to take on anything new.  I’m busy with adjusting and living, and I’m content with that.  Then things settle, and I remember that I’m forever in pursuit of what I used to describe as “God’s will for my life,” but have since come to realize that I’m simply looking for how I can make a difference.  The last 18-24 months have been that state of flux.  I’ve been busy digging and dealing, adjusting and healing, and certainly not looking to do much more than survive.  As things become settled, I can feel the restlessness building up again.  In the past this has been a huge source of frustration for me, even to the point of panic.  I always thought that there was ONE thing God wanted me to do, and it was BIG and if I didn’t figure it out, then this life was a waste.  I’m excited to feel like maybe I’ve grown up a little, or at least healed a little, and grown in my understanding of Christ a little, because it’s not frustration and panic this time around.  It’s excitement, wide-eyed wonder, and calm anticipation.

The phrase Jillian Michaels uses a lot says something about “what you put out into the world.”  That’s been resonating with me.  It sure takes the pressure off ONE BIG thing.  It doesn’t have to be anything big.  There’s something that God has placed in me that I can offer to whomever, on however small of a scale, that WILL make a difference.  I smiled and said good morning to someone in the elevator the other day, which is very much not my normal socialization, and it dawned on me just how far the friendliness I put out there might reach.  Did I brighten her day enough to cause her to be extra cheerful to the first angry caller of the day?  Will her cheerfulness change the mood of that caller, who then smiles and tells the cashier at the grocery store to have a great day?  Will the cashier be so affected by the kindness that she has a spring in her step when she picks up her daughter from daycare?  Will mommy’s good mood cause the daughter to greet daddy with hugs and smiles instead of tears when he walks in from a long day?  Maybe not…..but maybe so.

With this idea that I don’t have to do ONE BIG thing to make a difference, I’m a little less panicked in my search for doing what God designed me to do.  Less panicked does not mean less interested or less motivated.  I have been thinking about what this design might be.  I’m trying to think about the unique gifts God has given me.  Truth be told, for someone who lacks confidence and has self-worth issues, it is difficult to think that there really might be something I’m good at that will make a difference.  I’ve been going back through old journal entries and came across the notes from the ‘Prodigy In Me’ series at church, and I’ve been really praying for an obsession, direction, and mandate from God.  There are some interesting opportunities about to come up at work, and I can’t help but wonder if the timing of this is God. 

I’m reading 4 different books right now, and I’m really trying to finish “Quiet” by Susan Cain because it’s a library book and it’s due soon, but it’s just not a quick read.  I was reading some of it at lunch time today and came across something that fits right in with praying for an obsession.  She talks about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on a state of being that he calls “flow.” 

                “Flow is an optimal state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity… In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy.  Hours pass without your noticing.  The key to flow is to pursue an activity for its own sake, not for the rewards it brings.”   --Susan Cain

She goes on to explain that the way an introvert finds their flow is by using their gifts.  So I’m trying to think about those times when I’m doing something I so genuinely enjoy that time passes quickly and the fulfillment comes easily. 

In case these ideas coming together all at the same time wasn’t enough confirmation for me, yesterday’s message also hit on some of these ideas. 

“What God wants to do in you and through you is bigger than you can imagine.” 

“When I _____________, I feel God’s pleasure.”

What if what God wants to use is simply me being me?  I’m so self-conscience about really being myself.  I can be too bold, too blunt, too much.  I find myself trying to tone down my true personality a lot of the time.  What if God has plans for the things I can say or do only when I am being authentic?  I don’t know if there’s anything to this or not, it just occurred to me as I’m processing this stuff. 

Whatever it might end up being, it feels good to be thinking along these lines.  It feels like moving forward.  It feels like moving from grieving to healing to living.  It feels like a great place to hang out and do some growing.

Never Once

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once."  The very first time I heard it, I hated it.  I thought it gave a terrible message of false hope.  One of the lines says "never once did we ever walk alone."  That line right there made me so mad.  At first I was mad because it's just not true.  There were plenty of times when I needed God the most and he was nowhere to be found.  I didn't understand why there were so many times that I had asked God to rescue me and he didn't. 

The more I heard the song, the more my thinking began to shift.  This was incredibly hard for me to reconcile because it meant that all along I had been wrong.  I don't deal well with that.  But I do deal well with logic.  If I believe the Bible, which I do, then I must believe that "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:39

I can't have it both ways.  I can't believe that nothing separates me from God's love and also believe that God abandoned me, or purposely didn't rescue me.  I don't know much about love, but I know that those two ideas are mutually exclusive.

So as I continued to hear this song played at different times, it started to sink in that God really was always there.  In the good stuff, the messy stuff, and the painful stuff.  While that frustrates me because he didn't show up like I wanted him to, it's also incredibly comforting at the same time. I have a hard time grasping unconditional love, so it's easy for me to dismiss God because of my limited understanding.  But when I really start to daydream and wonder and think "wouldn't it be cool if...", I start to kind of get it.  Even then, I'm pretty sure I only see one small slice of how great God is. 

One part of the song that I have come to appreciate says "scars and struggles on the way", because it validates that this life isn't easy, and even living a life with Christ at the center doesn't make it less painful. 

I still struggle with God not meeting my needs in the way that I think he should.  I still have this void of not having unconditional love from my parents.  It's still painful and not healed or restored, but I know that God is faithful.  And even if he doesn't choose to take care of that this side of heaven, he is still God, and he is still good, and never once did he leave me on my own.