How it's Supposed To Be

I was reading a friend's blog.  (Find the full version here:  http://mattbayswriter.com/cant-smile-without-you/

He wrote:

"I didn’t win the talent show that night – the principal’s daughter did. She tap danced wearing half a tuxedo and a sequined pair of black shorts and sang “The Rainbow Connection.” It had drawn very little applause, except from our principal who clapped as if he had four arms. But none of it mattered to me. Because on the way home from that talent show, my sister built in to me, telling me all I could do with my music, encouraging me to play an instrument, to get involved with a choir. She began watching for flyers that promoted musicals for community theatre events that needed kids in them, and drove me to auditions so I could hone my craft. I cared less about my singing than I did about her affirmation. I looked up to her in every way imaginable. She was a movie star to me – something infinite. She was my world. And she approved of me. That was all I needed."

This is the kind of thing that kills me.  This is the kind of thing that reminds me how life was supposed to go.  I would've killed to have ONE PERSON believe in me.  I wanted one person to think I was special.  To believe in me.  To think that I was good at something.  To think I was worth the time of day. 

I had nobody.  It brings me to tears to read this, and hear how it was supposed to be.  Tears of grief, grieving for what never was, but should have been. 

I'm supposed to be positive.  I'm supposed to know that the reason I didn't have this is because the people around me sucked.  I'm not supposed to fall into the old mindset of I didn't have this because I wasn't worthy.  It's hard to stay in the right mindset. 

I'm sad for the girl I was.  Sad that nobody loved on her.  Sad that she floundered about, questioning her self-worth.  And I'm amazed at the woman she has been able to become, despite things being horribly wrong for so long.