Game Over

 ** I'm still going through some old posts on my blog, and found this one today.  It is from May 2004.  Three years into my marriage.  Love has never come easy for me.  I didn't want to love B.  For me, it would have been easier for him to leave me than for me to love him, and that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  Thank you God for a husband who loved me too much to let me go. **


Letting go is something I just have to do. I have walls in my heart that must come down. I don’t want help, I’ll take them down as fast as I can, but please don’t rush me. I promise I won’t stop working on it, I won’t stop tearing them down.
Loving you is not the worst thing that could happen in my life. I guess I fooled myself into thinking it was. I thought that cold was okay, that dark was good, and I look around only to find loneliness. I hope it’s not too late. I hope the damage can be undone. I want to become real, I want to love you. I want to see you as someone that I can’t live without.
You’re up on a pedestal, better than I, only because I put you there. If I truly quit playing games with myself and with you, I would realize that it is my fault, not yours. I’m the one that made this into a game, that thought it would be fun to play hard to get with my emotions. I’m the one that played the part of the hard ass who didn’t need anyone but herself, and look where it has gotten me. Three years later it has caused serious hurts to the one I should love so deeply. You know when I would have thought the game was over? I would have thought I won when you finally admitted that I didn’t love you and you were moving on. My mind is twisted and I’m so sorry for the damage that has been done to it long before you were in the picture. I’m not sure why I thought this game was okay. I don’t know what I thought being too tough to love anyone else would prove. Here I sit, having almost lost it all, exactly as planned. But if I truly didn’t love, then I wouldn’t care; I wouldn’t be writing to you about it.
I do care. Game over, defenses are down, I voluntarily let you in, I won’t make you fight me anymore, and I won’t make you beg to hear the words. I won’t withhold affection from you, I won’t try to upset you, I won’t push you away, I won’t put you above myself, I won’t play games anymore. Game over, and I’ve made us both out to be losers.
The wall is coming down, I’m done, and I’m ready to be real. I don’t know why I thought it was sissy-like to love someone, or why I thought it made me too girly. Everyone loves someone and it’s okay, it’s even a good thing really.
So I apologize, for the thousandth time in our marriage. But really, I’m done with all that. I will not be so difficult, I will not make you earn my love, I will not be so cold with you anymore.
Believe it or not, I do love you.
And I’ll tell you over and over and over again until you do believe me. And I’ll kiss your face forever, and hug you before you even ask. I want to be your wife. Even though you’ve always come across to me as the person who has it all, I will still love you, even if you don’t want it anymore.