Stuff is going on in my life, and while trying to expain it to a friend, here's what I came up with:
For some reason, these last few days I've just been searching for a reason for my constant struggles. Things with Bryan that just keep coming up over and over again, the same feelings of longing for something else, for an escape. I can see now that he doesn't have to do much of anything at all to get me upset, I find myself at times looking for reasons to push him away, but in a way that makes it his fault, not mine. And just in general, feelings of hopelessness, alcohol and drugs have been on my mind a lot lately too! (although I've not used either one) I don't know, I'm just sick of the constant drama I find myself in and I'm really searching now for a reason and a way to put it behind me. One thing I keep coming back to that I've never really dealt with is the sexual abuse. It's been at least 16 years ago, but it's something I've never talked about, never dealt with all the feelings from that point in my life, and I think I need to because from what I can see right now, that is the underlying cause of all my issues. Issues I've dealt with, but the root cause is still there. Do you know what I mean? And it's not something I want to deal with! It's just too easy to say it was a long time ago, forget it, move on. But apparently that strategy hasn't worked thus far. So, even though I told God I don't have time for this right now, I can't handle this right now, he apparently has other plans cuz it won't go away right now. And I don't know what the next step is going to be. I just know I'm not sleeping and now that I have the problem identified, I can't just ignore it and do nothing about it. This sucks. I really don't want to do this now. So, that's what's going on. I don't really know what it all means or why now....but I guess it's just something I gotta do and I'm just going to have to rely on God to get me through this in his way, cuz I really don't even know what to do right now.
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