Random Thoughts

I tried to stay on topic, but it was feeling too forced.  So this post is about a few different ideas that may or may not be connected.

“You need to learn to change the inner dialogue to one of respecting yourself now, as regular and unromantic as you are sometimes, or you live in great swoops of emotion, always afraid that the moment the dust settles, people will see the real you and reject you.”  This is a quote that I wrote down from a book I read recently, and can’t remember what book it’s from.  My guess is it is a Geneen Roth book.

I think this is another way of saying what I’ve said before – that I like to live in chaos.  I like this quote because it not only talks about that, but it includes a responsibility component.  It includes me taking charge of the inner dialogue.  I’ve been working on that one, and it’s not easy.

I’ve heard it said that you are your own worst enemy, and I know it’s definitely true for me.  I’m very critical of myself.  I’ve always judged myself harshly in many different areas.  I learned this from my mom.  My mom and my sister are very judgmental of other people and every time I heard them make a negative comment about someone, I made a mental note to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake the poor soul being judged did.  

When I hear them talking about my cousin who had a baby without being married, I’m reminded of why I lived in constant fear of messing up as a child/teenager.  There is absolutely no grace to be offered and I know without a doubt that I would not have been accepted by my family if I did anything they didn’t approve of.  And since my other issues resulted in me not having any close friends, family was all I had.  I had to earn their acceptance. Here enters my perfectionism tendency.  

I’ve been working hard on rewriting that inner dialogue.  I am constantly telling myself that “nobody cares but you.” I have to continually remind myself that honestly nobody cares if I like something on my pizza that they think is gross.  I have always worked so hard to not have anything that anyone could make fun of me for.  I kept my likes and dislikes hidden, and my passions secret.  I didn’t want to give anyone knowledge that could later be used against me.  Because that’s what I grew up with.  I was constantly teased and harassed by my family for liking something, or not liking something else.  And this is why I didn’t have close friends.  Nobody knew me.  I didn’t give anyone anything they could connect with, so the relationships were always kept at a distance. 

I’m working on it.  I’m working on sharing more of myself.  I’m working on taking down the walls that I have.  I’m working on not judging myself with ridiculous standards, and I’m also working very hard at not judging others.  Whatever it is, it could easily be me.  My toddler is one “no” away from throwing a screaming fit in the store, I’m one accident away from not having a vehicle, I’m one emergency away from being burdened with medical bills.  

I’ve also heard that whatever you judge yourself by, you’re also using to judge others, which I think is true.  If I’m judging myself about my weight, then I’m always looking at everyone else and seeing how I compare.  And if I think that other people don’t notice that, then I’m in for a rude awakening.  So if I truly do want to be the person who offers grace, then I need to lay off the judgments, for myself and for others.