Have you ever screwed something up beyond repair? Screwed it up so bad that no matter what you try to do to fix it, you just make it worse? That's where I am right now. Not doing so good.
I can see exactly what I need to fix in my life. I can hear the words coming out of my mouth and I don't want to say them but I can't stop them. I want to go back to when my life was quiet and happy, but the road has wound and turned so much since that point that I can't find my way back.
I'm coming down so hard on myself for being who I am because who I am is the reason I'm at this point. I hate me. I love my life, I have a great husband, a cute dog, a nice house, a flexible job, and I'm doing great in school and I'm almost ready to work in the job I want to work at. But me. In my head. That's where it sucks. Up there with all the craziness. With bad childhood memories swirling around, negative feelings about myself, lack of self confidence, unrealistic demands on people in my life, questions about will I ever get better, will I ever calm down and enjoy life. I wish I had amnesia. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and not know anything about who I am and still have the things in my life that I have. I do love my life. I wish I could start at ground zero and build up. Build into the person I want to be. Someone that is nice. Someone that has a personality and a mind of her own. Someone that is creative. Someone that is funny and not offensive. Someone who is good with people. Someone who doesn't always feel awkward. Someone so unlike who I am this moment.
God this sounds so depressing. But rather than depression I feel frustration towards myself and my world because I don't know how to change me. Have you ever tried to change your handwriting? As an adult? Almost impossible. That's what I feel like I'm up against. But you know, it is possible, if you do it one thing at a time. A while ago, for some reason or another, I decided that I didn't want to dot my i's anymore. It took a while for me to break the habit, but to this day I don't dot my i's or anything else that is supposed to have a dot. So it is possible. One thing at a time.
One thing at a time.
So let's put them in order of importance and we'll work on the most important one first so things don't get worse while I'm trying to make them better. That is really not like me. If I have a list of things to do, I'll do the very easiest thing first so I can convince myself that I've made progress. But that's not going to work this time. First thing is my precious husband. I really do whish he'd leave me though because I have put him through so much crap the entire time we've been in a relationship and I just don't stop. And I've promised him so many times that this is the last time I will go crazy and he'll never have to deal with it again. And then a week or two later, I have a meltdown over a minor issue and all of a sudden my life's falling apart again. It sounds so ridiculous now and that makes me hate myself even more. So back to him. If he will stick around long enough to see me through this once more. You know, I'm not sure how to fix this. How about the 2 greatest commandments. That's a good place to start. Love the Lord your God with all you heart soul mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself. Boy if I could do that...wow....my life would be so different. This week, the rest of this week, that's all I'm going to do. Every thought and every word will be focused on those 2 things and nothing else. I guarantee my life won't be the same after that week. Even 1 day. 1 day. Even that could make all the difference for me. Starting now.
If I'm busy loving my husband like I should, I won't have time to be emotional and let my feelings get hurt. I won't have time to complain about what he does or doesn't do or say, because I'll be loving him. I wish I had a bible right now because I want to define love, the kind of love I'm going to do this week, as the love in the love chapter. What is that, Corinthians 13? Something like that.
And love God with all my heart soul mind and strength? What would that look like? How about completely opposite of what my life looks like right now. Once again, just like the cliche, I've put God on the back burner or up on the shelf because my life seemed to be going good. You want to hear my reasoning for that? It's pretty ridiculous. My reasoning is I don't talk to my real dad every day and I don't tell him everything that goes on in my life and we still love each other and our relationship is fine. But how about I not think about God as a father. How about as a friend or a partner. Or my sister, I love her. Yeah, that definable puts a different spin on the relationship.
Looks like I have a ton of work to do. But I have a starting point at least right now. If it's not too late. You know what, even if it is too late, I'm going to do it anyway. Even if my husband has had enough, I'm going to do this for myself. I want to be different and I think I've just figured out step 1 in working towards that goal.
Why does the passion always die? Is it that way for everyone, or is it just me? I get pumped up about where I am in life and loving it and then the excitement fades and I start to not care about that exciting thing anymore. I'm so wishywashy. I would feel better to know that not everyone is like that. But it's OK if I'm the only one.
So just like my desire to not dot my i's, which took practice and now is a habit, and even though the passion of changing my i's is gone, it's still a habit and something i do (or don't do) every time I write. So let's keep it like that, the love thing. Even if the passion does die and I'm not so excited about it anymore, it's just going to be a habit and I'll do it without even thinking about it. Or feeling excited about it. It will just be me. The new me. (again) The me I would be happy with.
I hope I can fix the things I've screwed up.
1 comment:
I read an entry yesterday about your husband, but it's gone now, so I guess you've deleted it. I won't repeat any of it, because I assume you don't want anyone to ever have the power to read it again. But if there was even one iota of truth in that entry, it's not fair for you to accept full responsibility by saying you're just being "emotional" and "letting" your feelings get hurt. Remember that if he were loving you as he should, he wouldn't be saying those things to you, and he would be more patient with you. Col. 3:19 instructs husbands to "love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."
Maybe it's better to think of it this way: If you're busy loving your husband like you should, it will set an example for him to follow. 1 Peter 3:1 indicates that husbands respond much better to examples from their wives rather than words. (I guess God already knew how bad husbands were with tearful heart-to-heart conversations.)
I'm not trying to imply that your new life resolutions are wrong. I think they're totally right. My opinion doesn't really matter anyway, and I certainly don't know enough about you or your life to comment with any certainty or true wisdom. I just think it's important for you to be able to recognize that some problems aren't completely your fault. It's not good for your emotional well-being to accept full blame and guilt and things that are, at best, only partially your fault.
If your husband says something hurtful, you're allowed to feel hurt, because it's not right for him to be harsh. But like you say, if you're busy loving him, you won't have time to complain about what he does or doesn't say. It's enough to indicate to him that he hurt you, and it will probably have more effect on him if you manage to remain calm instead of becoming, as you say, "emotional."
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