Tough Love

I've been working at this for a while now.  I've been doing the therapy and processing the memories as they come, and filtering through the emotions of it all.  I'm kind of tired of it now.  I'm tired of sitting in the mess and feeling like this is all there is.

I'm afraid it's time for some tough love for myself.

Time to suck it up and move on.  Yup, I've had horrible things done to me.  And I've done horrible as well.  And it's all in the past.  Maybe it's time to just get over it.  I'm not quite sure how that's done though.
I still don't think I have the tools to deal with the negative commentary in my head.  I don't know what to do when the overwhelming empty feeling of not being loved washes over me.  Of course I have the whole checklist of shit I can do.  I've been dealing with depression forever; I know the drill.  Take a walk, take a bath, play with your kids, read a book, take a nap, dance, ......  yeah, that fixes nothing.

So when I feel like shit I just tell myself that I'm happy?  And then I'm magically happy?  When I have the painful memories of being neglected, of not being a loved and cherished child, I remind myself that they don't matter because God loves me?  yeah, that fixes nothing.

I guess I'm not ready to move on if that's what it takes to do so.  To me, telling myself everything is fine and I have such a great life now is the equivalent of sweeping it under the rug, which is what I've always done.  Which is why I'm still dealing with this 20 years later.

And so I have no idea how to fix it.