Love, Me

This is an old post from 2006, but sadly enough, it is still incredibly relevant.  

I don’t love because I don’t let myself. I am too inhibited and worried about what people will think or what I’ll look like and my husband, my marriage, and myself all get short changed. I don’t really live because I am too scared of what might happen when I let my guard down and just be me. I need to do things for myself that make myself happy so that I can find happiness within. God placed our source of happiness within each of us so that no matter what is going on around us, each person is capable of being happy. I need to daily choose to be happy and I need to nurture that source of happiness within me so that it grows. I need to let Bryan fully love me so that I can fully love him back. I need to absorb the love I have all around me rather than just push it away and write it off. I need to love like there will be no tomorrow because continuing life as is is not an option for me. I am choosing happiness and for me that is going to mean recklessly loving! I have a good solid wall up and even though I feel like a lot of my walls have come down, this inner wall has been nearly impossible for me to move. I’m still not totally sure how to do it, this is all easier said than done. I have a good place to start though because I have the best tangible example of unconditional love in my husband. I need to start by letting myself feel worthy of that love and letting myself enjoy it and soak it all in. I have always been afraid to love because of what people will say. I think that as a teenager I was teased a lot from my parents and siblings when I acted like I was in love. They made fun of the name doodling, the daydreaming, the constant hand holding. I, in turn, made fun of my friends who did that, and became sworn to not loose my head over a guy like they had done. Well, here I am at the age of 25 very sparingly with my affection for my husband, in public or in private. The “I love you”s are few and far between, and I suppose I can blame a variety of experiences growing up for that. But I don’t need to blame, I need to move on, let myself be me and be happy. I need to daily choose to live in happiness and live in a committed and loving marriage. If it has survived for nearly 5 years without me making a conscious effort to make it grow, I can’t even imagine what God has in store once I begin to put some effort into it. I am excited about the possibilities. I am excited to turn over a new leaf and find the joy that I see in so many other people. Dear God, please help me on this new journey. Please help me to every day choose life, choose happiness, choose to be fulfilled in you and the things you’ve given me. God I pray that you will show me how to love and be loved. Please help me to be a better wife and show me how to find happiness within. God, please don’t let me stop pursuing this. Please bless my efforts. Love C