This is ME

This is also an old post from circa 2005, and still so relevant.

I am an overachiever. I will go to the nth degree to make sure things I'm responsible for are taken care of well. I want more than anything to feel beautiful and there's really only a select few people who I allow to make me feel that way. I will buy a new pen before I sit down to write a letter. I have a hundred blank journals that I have not written in because I'm afraid that what I have to write is not worthy of being recorded in that beautiful journal. I don't have many friends because I don't allow people to get close to me. I keep walls up and I would say that only my husband truly knows me. I love watching movies because it allows me to feel like I'm apart of something else. Even though I love my life, my family, my career, my house...I still often wonder "what if" and I'm afraid that makes me a bad person. I like who I am more when I drink. Today I didn't take a shower. I want my baby to love me. I want it more than anything in the world. I need to feel wanted because I don't feel like I have much to offer to someone unless they want a certain thing from me. I just can't believe that someone would want to spend time with me unless it is a means to and end for them. I feel awkward in groups larger than 4, even if it's family. I want to be a child psychologist but I don't see how it will ever happen, so it's a quiet dream I have. Possibly unrealized. I am very emotional and I try like hell to hide it most of the time. I don't feel loved really, and it's no one's fault but my own. I continue to change the criteria so that it is an unobtainable goal for anyone. Sometimes a hug makes me feel loved...until I get a hug and realize that wasn't what I wanted at all. So I dream up some other action that I must have before I will feel loved. I should feel loved that my husband thinks I'm special enough to keep jumping through these hoops for me. He thinks I'm worth the chase.

I consider myself lazy because I don't spend time doing things I think other people think I should be doing. I used to love to read until I learned a little about literature. Now I can't stand to read a poorly written book and I haven't found a well written one lately. I love the idea of me creating something, be it art, pottery, a novel, music...but I'm too afraid to fail so I don't try. I just don't make time for things like that. I will get in the right hand lane 9 miles ahead of time if I know I have to eventually turn right. I just don't want to risk not being able to get over when I need to get over and I will stay in the right lane even if the person in front of me is going 10 under. Just because I want to be prepared. Keep in mind, this is miles before I see the place I need to turn.

Today I made time to do nothing, and it was the best day I've had in a long time.