Down

I cannot shake this depression.  It's been getting steadily worse since November.  I've been on the same antidepressant since my father-in-law died 3 years ago, and it's just about worthless now.  It's taken me a ton of phone calls to find someone to help, and the soonest I could be seen is March 10th.  So I just need to hang on for one more week.

I used to be (and mostly still am) embarrassed and ashamed to admit I struggled with depression, especially among church friends.  There is still a stigma associated with depression, and there are still those that think all it takes to be better is really trusting God and praying more and changing perspective.  Maybe for an otherwise mentally healthy person who is just going through a rough patch.  But I can tell you that that's not me.  To the church person that recently told me that I just need a fresh perspective:  If you think it's all in my head and I don't have a reason to have issues with it, reread my story.  Go back and read what I've been through and how I've had so many people messing with my head throughout my entire life, and then tell me I just need to remain positive.  You don't even know me and your words are hurtful, not encouraging.  And if I weren't depressed and didn't struggle with self-worth issues, I would have been bold enough to tell you that when we talked.  But alas, it's the passive-aggressive approach this time around.   (I'm not sure if it's even that, since I know that person won't see this.)

I'm doing all that I know to do.  I'm exercising.  I'm maintaining my routines.  I'm making time to do things I enjoy.  And I'm just really struggling to keep going.  I'm praying.  I've got people checking in with me.  I will make it.  It might not be pretty, but I'll make it.