Never Once

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once."  The very first time I heard it, I hated it.  I thought it gave a terrible message of false hope.  One of the lines says "never once did we ever walk alone."  That line right there made me so mad.  At first I was mad because it's just not true.  There were plenty of times when I needed God the most and he was nowhere to be found.  I didn't understand why there were so many times that I had asked God to rescue me and he didn't. 

The more I heard the song, the more my thinking began to shift.  This was incredibly hard for me to reconcile because it meant that all along I had been wrong.  I don't deal well with that.  But I do deal well with logic.  If I believe the Bible, which I do, then I must believe that "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:39

I can't have it both ways.  I can't believe that nothing separates me from God's love and also believe that God abandoned me, or purposely didn't rescue me.  I don't know much about love, but I know that those two ideas are mutually exclusive.

So as I continued to hear this song played at different times, it started to sink in that God really was always there.  In the good stuff, the messy stuff, and the painful stuff.  While that frustrates me because he didn't show up like I wanted him to, it's also incredibly comforting at the same time. I have a hard time grasping unconditional love, so it's easy for me to dismiss God because of my limited understanding.  But when I really start to daydream and wonder and think "wouldn't it be cool if...", I start to kind of get it.  Even then, I'm pretty sure I only see one small slice of how great God is. 

One part of the song that I have come to appreciate says "scars and struggles on the way", because it validates that this life isn't easy, and even living a life with Christ at the center doesn't make it less painful. 

I still struggle with God not meeting my needs in the way that I think he should.  I still have this void of not having unconditional love from my parents.  It's still painful and not healed or restored, but I know that God is faithful.  And even if he doesn't choose to take care of that this side of heaven, he is still God, and he is still good, and never once did he leave me on my own.