Whatcha Got?

This is one of those times where I can feel the stars aligning.  I’m holding my breath, waiting to see how it’s going to turn out.  

Sometimes my life is in such a state of flux, and I am not ready to take on anything new.  I’m busy with adjusting and living, and I’m content with that.  Then things settle, and I remember that I’m forever in pursuit of what I used to describe as “God’s will for my life,” but have since come to realize that I’m simply looking for how I can make a difference.  The last 18-24 months have been that state of flux.  I’ve been busy digging and dealing, adjusting and healing, and certainly not looking to do much more than survive.  As things become settled, I can feel the restlessness building up again.  In the past this has been a huge source of frustration for me, even to the point of panic.  I always thought that there was ONE thing God wanted me to do, and it was BIG and if I didn’t figure it out, then this life was a waste.  I’m excited to feel like maybe I’ve grown up a little, or at least healed a little, and grown in my understanding of Christ a little, because it’s not frustration and panic this time around.  It’s excitement, wide-eyed wonder, and calm anticipation.

The phrase Jillian Michaels uses a lot says something about “what you put out into the world.”  That’s been resonating with me.  It sure takes the pressure off ONE BIG thing.  It doesn’t have to be anything big.  There’s something that God has placed in me that I can offer to whomever, on however small of a scale, that WILL make a difference.  I smiled and said good morning to someone in the elevator the other day, which is very much not my normal socialization, and it dawned on me just how far the friendliness I put out there might reach.  Did I brighten her day enough to cause her to be extra cheerful to the first angry caller of the day?  Will her cheerfulness change the mood of that caller, who then smiles and tells the cashier at the grocery store to have a great day?  Will the cashier be so affected by the kindness that she has a spring in her step when she picks up her daughter from daycare?  Will mommy’s good mood cause the daughter to greet daddy with hugs and smiles instead of tears when he walks in from a long day?  Maybe not…..but maybe so.

With this idea that I don’t have to do ONE BIG thing to make a difference, I’m a little less panicked in my search for doing what God designed me to do.  Less panicked does not mean less interested or less motivated.  I have been thinking about what this design might be.  I’m trying to think about the unique gifts God has given me.  Truth be told, for someone who lacks confidence and has self-worth issues, it is difficult to think that there really might be something I’m good at that will make a difference.  I’ve been going back through old journal entries and came across the notes from the ‘Prodigy In Me’ series at church, and I’ve been really praying for an obsession, direction, and mandate from God.  There are some interesting opportunities about to come up at work, and I can’t help but wonder if the timing of this is God. 

I’m reading 4 different books right now, and I’m really trying to finish “Quiet” by Susan Cain because it’s a library book and it’s due soon, but it’s just not a quick read.  I was reading some of it at lunch time today and came across something that fits right in with praying for an obsession.  She talks about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on a state of being that he calls “flow.” 

                “Flow is an optimal state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity… In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy.  Hours pass without your noticing.  The key to flow is to pursue an activity for its own sake, not for the rewards it brings.”   --Susan Cain

She goes on to explain that the way an introvert finds their flow is by using their gifts.  So I’m trying to think about those times when I’m doing something I so genuinely enjoy that time passes quickly and the fulfillment comes easily. 

In case these ideas coming together all at the same time wasn’t enough confirmation for me, yesterday’s message also hit on some of these ideas. 

“What God wants to do in you and through you is bigger than you can imagine.” 

“When I _____________, I feel God’s pleasure.”

What if what God wants to use is simply me being me?  I’m so self-conscience about really being myself.  I can be too bold, too blunt, too much.  I find myself trying to tone down my true personality a lot of the time.  What if God has plans for the things I can say or do only when I am being authentic?  I don’t know if there’s anything to this or not, it just occurred to me as I’m processing this stuff. 

Whatever it might end up being, it feels good to be thinking along these lines.  It feels like moving forward.  It feels like moving from grieving to healing to living.  It feels like a great place to hang out and do some growing.