Progress on Steps One, OneB, and OneC

This post is an update to this post.

Step One -- So there we go, step one is make humility a top priority and let go of being right because of the perceived arrogance that comes with it.
Let's see, I think I've made good progress on this one.  I had an incredible opportunity for growth over the last several weeks.  I've had the privilege of having frequent interactions with someone who pushes my buttons and brings out my argumentative spirit.  I've made thoughtful progress during conversations, as well as sat down to reflect on how things went after most conversations I had with her.  (Wow.  That makes me sound like such a dork.)  I thought about what I said, the tone I used, and how I might say or do something different in my next interaction so that I am displaying a respectful attitude.  It's far from perfect or even natural; it's something I will continue to be mindful of.  I think I've gotten better, but there's still lots of room for improvement.

Step OneB -- The next thing we talked about was at what point in my relationships do I put the wall up.
I've made big progress on this one too!  This one has been surprisingly fun, even for an introvert with self worth issues.  I've made conscience efforts to be vulnerable in conversations.  I've given a lot of friends a lot of information lately.  It's been fun to see how they are able to connect with me when I give them even the smallest bit to latch on to.  It's been healing for me to share things and have friends follow up in a meaningful way.  It's also been fun to reciprocate!  I've never been a fan of small talk, and I considered most things small talk.  I avoided it at all cost because I didn't have any interest in knowing about someone else's personal life, and I didn't want the responsibility of following up.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  I've done so much better about this, and have even enjoyed it.  I've already seen a couple of my relationships grow stronger because of this.  I feel like now I can be more caring and compassionate, which is something I always wanted and never knew how to do.  I've seen awesome growth in this area.

Step OneC -- This step is going to be a lot of looking at a current filter, deciding if it was put there by someone or something else or if it truly is something that is part of me now. 
This is a slow process.  I think I've made slight improvements towards this.  I've made time to do things with friends who push me to be real and not just a follower.  I haven't really had the time to retreat by myself to think about this one, but hopefully I can try that this summer.  Change will be slow, but hopefully long lasting.   

Step One and OneB and OneC

Bryan and I were talking for a long time the other night about my issues with love and relationships.  Some of the discussion led directly to some practical steps to actually working on this stuff.

The first thing that needs to be worked on is this crazy strong need to not be wrong.  I have a lot of emotion tied to being wrong.  Inappropriately so, I know.  I was trying to look back and figure out where the correlation came from.  I think it was because I was a pleaser; I was the fixer of the family, the one who tried to hold it all together.  If I was wrong then that meant someone was going to be upset with me and things would fall apart all over again, and now that mindset is just so engrained.  So step one is to let go of the argumentative spirit that insists that I'm right.   I didn't realize this was such a big issue until while talking about this with B he pointed out that he doesn't engage me in a discussion that could become an argument because he knows how I am, and he also knows he will never get an apology from me.  Ouch.
 It would be much better received if I didn't pipe up immediately with what I perceive as the right answer but rather listen to others first and add my thoughts in a humble way.  This ties in perfectly with the scripture we are memorizing at church :  Philippians 2:3-8  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but also to the interest of others.  You should have the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus, who being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God as something to be grasped; rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death-even death on a cross. 
So there we go, step one is make humility a top priority and let go of being right because of the perceived arrogance that comes with it.

The next thing we talked about was at what point in my relationships do I put the wall up.  I realized that I use the wall to keep things very surface level.  I don't share personal things about myself or my life because I don't think the person would be interested, and I don't want them to ask me about things later.  It is a way to keep the distance in a relationship. By personal, I'm talking about like my favorite color or my dog's name.  We're not even talking big deal stuff here. I found that I tend to resist sharing even if the other person does share personal things and does try to establish a connection beyond surface level interests.  I think that has become my defense mechanism to keep from being hurt or feeling rejected within a relationship.  If I were to put myself out there and share things and the other person doesn't receive it well and a relationship isn't made stronger because of it, then I will be hurt.  I also do this because I am a pleaser and I don't want to be wrong, so I don't share personal things like my preference in music or hobby because what if the other person thinks it's dumb or that I shouldn't spend time doing it, or that it's a waste of money.  I want to be exactly like them so that they will like me, but in doing so, they don't even know me.  This was really a big issue for me in high school.  I had completely different personalities with different interests and ideas for each group I belonged to.  My school friends knew one version, my youth group friends another, my work friends another, and my family yet another.  And boy was I in trouble if my worlds ever collided.  This is exhausting to maintain and so harmful to myself and my friends.  I don't think I do it anywhere near the extent I used to, but it is definitely something to work on.  We'll call that step OneB, and it leads beautifully into the next step...

In terms of being my true, authentic self and being the same in all situations with all people, I need to get to the bottom of who I really am.  I need to decide for myself what I like, what I don't, what's important to me, what isn't.  My current rationale for why I do what I do, act how I do, and say what I do comes from filters I put in place due to external circumstances.  One time I heard someone say in a negative way that somebody told too many stories about their life.  Note to self, don't tell stories about your life.  I heard someone making fun of someone for wearing a hoodie to a certain restaurant.  Note to self, don't wear hoodies there.  If people I'm with think Starbucks is a waste of money, I will pour my Starbucks into a different cup when I'm going to see them.  Part of what put these things in to place is that I tend to be oblivious to social norms and I used people around me to gauge what is appropriate.  The hoodie thing, probably everyone already knew that, except for me and the guy wearing the hoodie.  Some of these things are not that big of a deal.  Another part of what put these things in place is that my world was so screwed up during the time these things are naturally forming for kids and teenagers.  I think that most of the time these filters are taught to people by their family.  The big, important ones are usually similar within families, and the smaller, minor ones are hashed out by the individual, within the safe learning environment of the family.  The place where you're not going to be teased for liking to paint or made fun of for reading all the time or told that only people better than you get their hair and nails done.  This step is going to take some work.  Like much of what I've been doing over the last year, this step first requires the breaking up of the old ground before the new foundation can be laid.  This step is going to be a lot of looking at a current filter, deciding if it was put there by someone or something else or if it truly is something that is part of me now.  I had been thinking about trying to schedule some time for me to go away alone to regroup and get to know myself again, and I think this is the perfect thing to work on hashing out during that time.  This is going to be possibly the slowest of the three items to be fixed, but it's going to be worth the effort.  As this piece comes together, it will make step OneB easier because only then can I share my authentic self with other.  We shall call this piece step OneC. 

Onward.