This Much I know

I hesitate to spend much time thinking about this because I have found that the quickest way to not be "good" is to claim that you're "good."

But, you heard it here first.....I'm good.

This year has been another great year of healing and restoration.  I feel like so much of what used to weigh heavily on me has been washed by grace.  I can walk away from conversations that used to send me into a tailspin with a new sense of peace and an understanding that it's not my problem to solve.  Boundaries are firmly in place, and I have done the work I needed to do to detach and separate my self worth from other people's opinions of me.  I have an assurance that my feet are firmly planted in Christ's love for me.  I'm good.

I have a firm sense that God truly is at work in my life, and that He is working all things for my good.  I have become part of the Student Ministries Team, where God has blessed me with an awesome group of girls to work with.  I love the fact that working with this ministry taps into the healthy stuff of my life.  This isn't a group of troubled girls.  I don't need to draw on my own troubled past in order to connect with them.  God's hand and God's timing is covering this entire aspect of my life right now, and I'm excited to be a part of it.

I have a hope, which leads to the faith to trust, and the confidence to become all that God has created me to be.  I have been given several opportunities to help others see that there are specific traits and skills that God has given them to use.  After pointing this out to enough people, I started to think that maybe that is true in my own life.  I have always had this huge, big picture perspective and thought that I needed to find something great to do.  When I switch to a smaller perspective and focus on the little ways that God has uniquely gifted me, it changes everything. I now understand how thinking small will lead to the big.  And it's the only way to get there.

The reason I hesitate to think about this is because I'm still working on letting go of the victim mindset I've had for so very long.  I feel like things need to be a mess in order for me to be comfortable.  I feel like I need chaos in order to have people involved in my life.  I've come a long way in this thinking, but I was afraid that by declaring that I'm good it would feel like I was giving up the pursuit of getting better.  I now get that those two things are not mutually exclusive.  I'm so much better, healthier, than I've ever been, and yet I'm also still so committed to continually getting better, and healthier, in every part of my life.  I'm also afraid of the cliche of walking out of rehab, only to find myself back a few months later.  So I'm not walking away from rehab.  I'm switching from the inpatient program to the day program.  I'm still committed to taking care of myself, and I'm still aware of how fragile my self worth is.  I'm in good shape today, and I've got a whole toolbox to help me if I'm not in good shape tomorrow. 

But today, I'm good.  This much I know.

Turn Right to Go Left

So I'm really struggling through some things in my head right now.  Struggling with self doubt, struggling with body image, struggling with insecurities that just won't seem to go away.  There are things that I thought I had dealt with that are just manifesting themselves in my life in a different way than before.  The phrase I keep coming back to is trading one addiction for another.  I've done a lot of work in a lot of different areas, but there are just some deeply ingrained coping mechanisms that continue to creep back up in one form or another.  While the addictions themselves are not good, the worse part is the reason behind them.  The reason I want to eat, puke, smoke, cut, sleep, drink, etc is the thing that needs to still be dealt with.  I suppose just the fact that I can recognize that is a sign of growth right there.

I've got some things set up on my social media that are there for the sole purpose of just helping me to build some awareness.  I started following certain people or groups not with the intent to copy them to get the results they got, but just to start to watch what they do and say.  One of the themes I'm noticing is that before you can beat the self doubt, before you can squash the insecurity issues, you have to already not have self doubt and insecurities.  I'm hoping a "fake it til you make it" mentality will work, because I just can't seem to get there yet.

One of my big issues right now is body image.  I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight.  The one thing I've noticed from all of the transformation people I follow on Instagram is that they will all say they had to love themselves as they were before they could create lasting change.  It seems so counter-intuitive.  I'll love myself when I'm thinner.  In my mind, if I love myself now, then that's saying this is okay, and it's not.  I know myself pretty well, and if there's a loophole to be found, I will find it.  I'm afraid that accepting, no not only accepting, but actually loving myself will feel like permission to just stay the same.

Logically, I think I understand how this works.  I get the whole big picture idea that God loves us just as we are, but loves us too much to let us stay there.  It makes sense to me that once I truly love and appreciate myself fully, I'll want to take care of myself, and it will lead to better, healthier choices.  Logically, it makes perfect sense.  I'd try to sell that to someone else.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe about myself.

I'll love me when I'm better, but I can't be better until I love me.  It's a crazy cycle.

Who Knew

I’m kind of wading through a tough season right now.  It’s not at all something I would have expected to be so effected by.  I really have no idea who (if anyone) reads this, so the situation will be described in generalities.

This job has been one of those times where I know that God just lined everything up perfectly.  The timing of it in regards to other things happening in my life could not have been more perfect.  In the first year at this position I was working through some pretty dark stuff from my past, and every thought and every memory would rain down negativity into my world and all I could see were so many ways that I had screwed up and so many reasons why I’d not amount to anything more.  It was during this time that I had the privilege of working with someone who not only saw my strengths and worked to draw them out of me, but also empowered me in a way that made me start to see them too.  For the first time I was starting to think that I really might be okay, maybe even a little awesome, despite it all.  Every interaction I had with this woman just poured encouragement into me that much more.  It wasn’t a close relationship; it really wasn’t much more than a casual working relationship, but her position in my life at that time was exactly what I needed to keep going, keep digging, keep working through junk with a hope that I would come out okay on the other side.

So everything is in this huge state of flux right now.  I don’t mind change, per se, but I am very bothered by uncertainty.  That alone has me a little freaked out.  But in addition to the general uncertainty, it has become clear that we won’t be working together anymore.  As if that weren’t upsetting enough, I was actually a member of the search committee that had a hand in this decision.  I’ve never prayed so hard for wisdom in my entire life.  I’ve never chosen my words as carefully as I did during those committee discussions.  I have a hope that there is something better coming for both of us, something better than either of us could have planned.  Hanging onto that hope is just about the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind right now.  The emotion I have surrounding this whole situation is completely surprising to me because, honestly, if I were to list my “friends” or even “influential people” in my life, I’m not even sure she would have made either list.  Maybe it’s just tough because I hate conflict and don’t like anyone to be upset, but I think it might be more than that. 

Whatever it is, it’s not fun.  I’m trying to understand the purpose behind it.  I would say that this is one of the first times I’ve walked through a decision like this with the utmost integrity.  I thought that by doing everything the right way this time that God would honor that and everything would turn out perfect.  And maybe it still will.  Maybe I have too small of an idea of what “perfect” can look like.  I can only cling to what I know to be the character of an all-loving God who is continually shaping me into the image he has for me.  I’m disappointed, but I have a hope that it’s not over yet.

Whatcha Got?

This is one of those times where I can feel the stars aligning.  I’m holding my breath, waiting to see how it’s going to turn out.  

Sometimes my life is in such a state of flux, and I am not ready to take on anything new.  I’m busy with adjusting and living, and I’m content with that.  Then things settle, and I remember that I’m forever in pursuit of what I used to describe as “God’s will for my life,” but have since come to realize that I’m simply looking for how I can make a difference.  The last 18-24 months have been that state of flux.  I’ve been busy digging and dealing, adjusting and healing, and certainly not looking to do much more than survive.  As things become settled, I can feel the restlessness building up again.  In the past this has been a huge source of frustration for me, even to the point of panic.  I always thought that there was ONE thing God wanted me to do, and it was BIG and if I didn’t figure it out, then this life was a waste.  I’m excited to feel like maybe I’ve grown up a little, or at least healed a little, and grown in my understanding of Christ a little, because it’s not frustration and panic this time around.  It’s excitement, wide-eyed wonder, and calm anticipation.

The phrase Jillian Michaels uses a lot says something about “what you put out into the world.”  That’s been resonating with me.  It sure takes the pressure off ONE BIG thing.  It doesn’t have to be anything big.  There’s something that God has placed in me that I can offer to whomever, on however small of a scale, that WILL make a difference.  I smiled and said good morning to someone in the elevator the other day, which is very much not my normal socialization, and it dawned on me just how far the friendliness I put out there might reach.  Did I brighten her day enough to cause her to be extra cheerful to the first angry caller of the day?  Will her cheerfulness change the mood of that caller, who then smiles and tells the cashier at the grocery store to have a great day?  Will the cashier be so affected by the kindness that she has a spring in her step when she picks up her daughter from daycare?  Will mommy’s good mood cause the daughter to greet daddy with hugs and smiles instead of tears when he walks in from a long day?  Maybe not…..but maybe so.

With this idea that I don’t have to do ONE BIG thing to make a difference, I’m a little less panicked in my search for doing what God designed me to do.  Less panicked does not mean less interested or less motivated.  I have been thinking about what this design might be.  I’m trying to think about the unique gifts God has given me.  Truth be told, for someone who lacks confidence and has self-worth issues, it is difficult to think that there really might be something I’m good at that will make a difference.  I’ve been going back through old journal entries and came across the notes from the ‘Prodigy In Me’ series at church, and I’ve been really praying for an obsession, direction, and mandate from God.  There are some interesting opportunities about to come up at work, and I can’t help but wonder if the timing of this is God. 

I’m reading 4 different books right now, and I’m really trying to finish “Quiet” by Susan Cain because it’s a library book and it’s due soon, but it’s just not a quick read.  I was reading some of it at lunch time today and came across something that fits right in with praying for an obsession.  She talks about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on a state of being that he calls “flow.” 

                “Flow is an optimal state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity… In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy.  Hours pass without your noticing.  The key to flow is to pursue an activity for its own sake, not for the rewards it brings.”   --Susan Cain

She goes on to explain that the way an introvert finds their flow is by using their gifts.  So I’m trying to think about those times when I’m doing something I so genuinely enjoy that time passes quickly and the fulfillment comes easily. 

In case these ideas coming together all at the same time wasn’t enough confirmation for me, yesterday’s message also hit on some of these ideas. 

“What God wants to do in you and through you is bigger than you can imagine.” 

“When I _____________, I feel God’s pleasure.”

What if what God wants to use is simply me being me?  I’m so self-conscience about really being myself.  I can be too bold, too blunt, too much.  I find myself trying to tone down my true personality a lot of the time.  What if God has plans for the things I can say or do only when I am being authentic?  I don’t know if there’s anything to this or not, it just occurred to me as I’m processing this stuff. 

Whatever it might end up being, it feels good to be thinking along these lines.  It feels like moving forward.  It feels like moving from grieving to healing to living.  It feels like a great place to hang out and do some growing.

Tis the Season

There is something about this time of year that has always excited me.  Not just the fact that it's the end of the school year.  Something bigger than that.  For me, this graduation season has always held a spark of promise, the possibility that RIGHT NOW you can be anything you want to be. As someone who knew without a doubt that I'd be going to college right after high school, thinking about the summer after graduation was a hobby of mine.  I dreamed about the shopping trips I'd take with a parent, the bedding I'd pick out for my dorm room, the road trip I'd take to meet my new roommate before school began, the memories I'd talk about with my mom while she helped me pack, and the final hang outs I'd plan with my friends before leaving. 

None of that happend for me.  None of that went as planned.

Yes, my life has turned out better than I could have possibly hoped.  Yes, yes, YES.  But there's still a part of me that grieves that experience I longed for and never got.  This is the time of year that I think about what could have been, and even all these years later, it still makes me sad.  Because I'm a planner, June represented the possibilities of the future, because by the time August came, everything would be set.  That's why it's now and not fall that triggers this for me. 

I was going to go to GVSU to become a physician's assistant.  Nobody talked to me about my interests, my career goals, my future possibilities.  I looked over the list of majors and picked something that I thought sounded impressive.  (Here's how little I knew about it -- I didn't realize it was a 6 year program until weeks into my first semester.)  I didn't have adults talking to me about my future, and I definitely made my own conclusions as to why.  Nobody took me shopping to buy fun stuff for my college dorm.  Nobody helped me pack for college.  Nobody talked about childhood memories and how much they were going to miss me.  I talked to my future roommate on the phone once, but she lived in Chicago and I had no money, so a roadtrip was out of the question.  I became depressed and withdrawn; I worked a ton trying to save money for college, and by the end of the summer I didn't have any plans with friends before leaving.  Nothing went as I had hoped it would. 

The ironic thing is that as this is all unfolding, I'm recognizing that it's not going as planned, and I almost tried to give myself a second chance at making it happen.  That summer I worked with a girl who was a few years older than me.  She had started working fulltime right after high school to save money to pay for college.  So even though she wasn't fresh out of high school, she was getting ready for her first "going away to colllege" experience.  By about July of that summer, when I'm seeing how much my parents are failing to do anything on my dream list, I started thinking that I 'd just delay college.  I would just do what she did, work for a few years, and try again later.  Not because I needed the money, but because I wanted to give my parents a second chance to not suck.  Even with my limited wisdom, I knew that delaying the process was not going to help anything, so I didn't go that route.

The whole situation had me set up to fail from the very beginning, so it's no wonder I only stayed at GVSU one semester.  My dad and sister dropped me off at college.  I wasn't close to either of them so it really wasn't anything special.  There weren't any encouraging words or happy memories exchanged.  At the time there wasn't any sort of system for incoming freshman to make sure they didn't't get lost in the shuffle, so that I did.  I cried most of the day for the first week or two.  Not because I was homesick.  It was more for the fact that I felt like I didn't have a home anymore.  I didn't have either of my parents talking excitedly about me coming home for Thanksgiving.  I didn't know if either of them would even come get me for the holiday.  And I sure didn't feel like I fit in there.  It was a mess.  I was a mess.  It certainly wasn't anything like what I had hoped and dreamed it would be.

Sixteen years later, this is still the season that represents so much possibility.  In this healing phase that I'm in, I'm looking for ways to use that excitement and possibilities within the context of where I am now.  For me, that doesn't come without first grieving the loss of a dream.

I'm a Runner

I think I've written my running back-story before, and that was not my intent with this post.  It's a good story though, and I'll be sure to write it up if I discover that I haven't already.  It took me a long time before I could say so, but for the purpose of this post, I'm just going to say that I'm a runner.

So today while I was running, it occurred to me that one of the reasons I like running is because I am in control.  I am the one to push myself to run harder and farther than I thought I could.  I'm the one that decides when I sprint and when I walk.  I'm not the victim when I'm running, and that is a role I have a hard time letting go of.

I have always felt like I was under someone else, controlled by someone else, made smaller so as to be accepted by someone else.  I have always struggled with feeling like I didn't have the power or the right to say yes or no.  This victimhood is where I lived my life for so long that it began to feel like home.  That was my comfort zone.  As long as something was happening TO me, then I was ok.  The problem with that mentality is that sometimes life does let up; sometimes you do get some streaks of good luck and you find that life is really pretty good.  And you don't know what to do with that, so you create your own drama and find a way to get back to the life you know and love, the life of victim.  For the longest time, one of the hardest things for me to hear was someone telling me how great I had things, because I just didn't even know what to do with that.  When life was good, I found myself running in the opposite direction, looking for trouble.

Being in control and being happy with how well things are going has been one of the tough things for me to learn on this healing journey.  There are days that I still struggle with it.  It seems silly.  It seems like a ridiculous problem to have, I know.  I suppose that's just par for my screwed up course of life.  (See, I STILL think of myself as the victim!)

I ran today for the first time since the half marathon over a month ago.  I was dreading this run because I was worried about how much endurance I had lost.  I planned for 3 miles, regardless how long it would take.  I felt pretty good for the first mile, better than I expected actually.  And really, mile two wasn't too tough either.  Mile three was when I started to get winded and started to adjust for some walk breaks.  My first thought was that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.  If I want to walk, then I'll walk, dammit!  Then I thought that while I might be entitled to take as long as I damn well please, was that really what I wanted for myself?  If I wanted to feel like I had done my best, then I'd have to push myself.  Nobody else was going to do it for me.  If I ended up walking the whole last mile, I didn't have anyone to blame but myself, because when I'm out running, I'm not the victim of someone else.  It's up to me to have the audacity to decide that I can do something that might be hard.  I can decide that I want something better than a walking pace.  I can decide that I'm worth working hard for, and I'm worth being proud of.  I'm a runner and I'm going to push myself to do something that I can feel proud of.  I don't have to make myself smaller so I can fit under someone else.  I can't be both victim and runner, and I choose runner.

Progress on Steps One, OneB, and OneC

This post is an update to this post.

Step One -- So there we go, step one is make humility a top priority and let go of being right because of the perceived arrogance that comes with it.
Let's see, I think I've made good progress on this one.  I had an incredible opportunity for growth over the last several weeks.  I've had the privilege of having frequent interactions with someone who pushes my buttons and brings out my argumentative spirit.  I've made thoughtful progress during conversations, as well as sat down to reflect on how things went after most conversations I had with her.  (Wow.  That makes me sound like such a dork.)  I thought about what I said, the tone I used, and how I might say or do something different in my next interaction so that I am displaying a respectful attitude.  It's far from perfect or even natural; it's something I will continue to be mindful of.  I think I've gotten better, but there's still lots of room for improvement.

Step OneB -- The next thing we talked about was at what point in my relationships do I put the wall up.
I've made big progress on this one too!  This one has been surprisingly fun, even for an introvert with self worth issues.  I've made conscience efforts to be vulnerable in conversations.  I've given a lot of friends a lot of information lately.  It's been fun to see how they are able to connect with me when I give them even the smallest bit to latch on to.  It's been healing for me to share things and have friends follow up in a meaningful way.  It's also been fun to reciprocate!  I've never been a fan of small talk, and I considered most things small talk.  I avoided it at all cost because I didn't have any interest in knowing about someone else's personal life, and I didn't want the responsibility of following up.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  I've done so much better about this, and have even enjoyed it.  I've already seen a couple of my relationships grow stronger because of this.  I feel like now I can be more caring and compassionate, which is something I always wanted and never knew how to do.  I've seen awesome growth in this area.

Step OneC -- This step is going to be a lot of looking at a current filter, deciding if it was put there by someone or something else or if it truly is something that is part of me now. 
This is a slow process.  I think I've made slight improvements towards this.  I've made time to do things with friends who push me to be real and not just a follower.  I haven't really had the time to retreat by myself to think about this one, but hopefully I can try that this summer.  Change will be slow, but hopefully long lasting.   

The Broken Comfort Zone

I've heard every cliche about comfort zones.  You don't grow when you stay in your comfort zone, you miss out on opportunities, you miss out on relationships...all that stuff.  There are plenty of good reasons to buck the system and try new things.  That knowledge doesn't necessarily make it easier to do, but perhaps makes me more aware of the need to keep stretching and growing.  This is nothing new, and I'm sure it applies to everyone.

I have a whole other set of reasons for pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is a battle ground.  My comfort zone is chaos, drama, pain, manipulation, fear, lies, and denial.  Why would anyone want to hang out there?  The logical, head knowledge, part of me knows that I should go running in the opposite direction as fast as I can, and not look back.  If I were watching someone else live this life, and watching their story unfold, I'd definitely judge them for not running.  I can totally see the logical side of it.  But this is what I know, this is the mess I've lived in for so long, this is the system I know how to work. 

Part of my therapy and moving on is identifying triggers and being ready to handle them so I don't "relapse." Truth be told, sometimes all I want to do is relapse.  I want to go back to the mess, because it was my mess and I was comfortable there.  Some days it really is hard to do the right thing, to take the next right step on this healing journey, because it's hard work; it's not easy; it's not second nature yet.  Sometimes it's just not fun. 

There are definitely days that I look around and life feels too quiet.  I wish I could say that I never think of my old habits, but that's just not true.  When life is quiet, I know exactly how to stir things up.  I know exactly how to make things a mess so that I can be comfortable in the midst of chaos again.  But I'm working hard at not going back there.  I'm working hard at looking for love through my new, healthy lens.  I'm starting to be aware of things that are said and done out of love.  I'm also working on remembering that even if it wasn't today that a friend sent me a thoughtful text, I'm still loved today.  I grew up in a place where feelings and emotions changed from moment to moment, sometimes with no rhyme or reason.  I have this horrible 'needy' habit of wanting to be told/shown love every minute of everyday.  I have a husband who is more than willing to accommodate that need, but I've gotten good at dismissing his love as "have to."  He doesn't have to do anything.  He chooses to show me love in a variety of meaningful ways.  It's up to me to receive it.  It's up to me to understand that my broken comfort zone of chaos, isn't reality.  I have stable people in my life who don't waiver in their love, and who don't love me based on performance, and who consistently love me even when it's quiet.  It's up to me to fight to stay there, and not slip back into the chaos I (used to) love.

This Too Shall Pass

This time last year I thought I’d never be happy.  Like really, deep down, not dependent on the day kind of happy.  I was heading into some dark closets with big skeletons, and I really didn’t think I’d come out of it ok.  I can remember days where story after story would replay in my head, and I just had this heaviness that felt like it would never go away.  I figured that my past wasn’t going to go away, and as long as it was there, then joy would not be. 

That was before I understood grace, I guess.  I mean, I assume that’s what the difference is.  I knew about grace.  I knew every bible verse and every song about grace.  But I hadn’t experienced grace.  For me, the grace came in two steps.  First, I allowed myself to accept grace for the things that I had done that I thought weren’t completely my fault.  I knew they were bad, but I also knew I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t have the abuse and self-worth issues.  So since I felt a little bit justified, I only needed a little bit of grace, at least that was my rationale.  Then there came a point where I made myself finally reach an age of accountability.  I’m not sure why this took so long, but I finally found myself at a point where I didn’t feel like I had any justification for something I had done.  Once the confession came, and there wasn’t anything I could do except accept grace, and move on, that’s when I felt like the flood gates of heaven opened and grace like rain covered me.  And that’s when I finally felt the darkness begin to fade.  That’s when I was able to finally recognize God’s crazy love for me.  That’s when I could finally feel loved by people around me.  I didn’t think it was ever going to happen, but I’m so thankful it did.  Not only do I feel like I have a sense of peace and joy, but I feel like I can finally move on.  As if peace and joy weren’t already huge big deal issues for me, moving on is just as awesome!

I’m still trying to process a lot of this.  On one hand, I feel like I want to move on, and not look back.  On another hand, I want to be able to recognize that all this junk in my past is just a small piece to the complicated, broken person I am today.  I want to be able to feely and openly talk with others about it in hopes of putting purpose to the pain, in that it can help someone else, but I sure don’t want to just be the girl that makes everything about her abusive past.  I’m going to continue to pray that God will just have his way with it.  I’ve completely given it to God to do with as he will, and I trust that whatever does or does not come out of that, is for the best.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve also completely given my writing to God.  I don’t know if he has any plans for it or not.  I don’t know if anything will come of this blog or not.  I used to be really good about sending people handwritten notes and cards, and I’d like to get back to that.  I know that I’m much more comfortable sharing love and encouragement in writing than I am in person, so I’m praying that maybe God can use that.  I’m not sure, but I feel like this might be the gift he has given me to use for his glory.  If it’s “only” sending encouraging words to people who need it, then so be it.  I will be faithful in the small things and trust his direction and leading.  I used to stress and worry so much about being in God’s will.  In college, I was certain there was 1 career, 1 future employer, 1 job that he had planned for me and if I wasn’t listening carefully enough then I’d screw it up.  Man, just writing that now gives me anxiety all over again!  But now, I have a sense of peace when it comes to thinking about being in God’s will.  What does he ask?  Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Love your neighbor as yourself.  If I’ve got those things down, and I’m open to his leading, then I’m good to go.  Perhaps for the first time ever, I’m open to his leading, and there is such joy and peace in that.

Guitar Lessons

So I started taking guitar lessons.  I'm excited to finally learn how to play well enough to actually play a song that people will recognize!

But my guitar lessons are only about 14% about learning how to play the guitar.
I'd say it's somewhere around 48% about learning how to be humble, 23% about not always being right, and 15% about rewriting the past.

I hate to not know what's going on.  I hate when I don't know more than someone else about a subject.  It is so humbling for me to try something and possibly fail, right in front of someone else.  It's really a stretch for me sit with Jordan and try something and have him say, "No, not quite. More like this."  He is very kind and a great teacher, it's just that I'm not used to being the student.  I may have control issues...

It's difficult for me to not be right.  It's really hard for me to practice something for a week and then find out I'm not doing it right.  I know it's no big deal.  It really isn't.  I told my students all the time to just keep trying, and I really didn't judge them at all for not getting something the first or second time.  But when it's my turn, man it's hard to keep plugging away at it and not give up.

I've had my guitar since I was 16.  Ben took me to Elderly Music in Lansing and helped me pick it out.  We worked on a few things together and he taught me most of the basic chords, but then he moved.  My dad and step-mom got me guitar lessons for my 17th birthday, but when I went to the first lesson, I found out that they hadn't actually paid for them, and I was stuck with the bill.  I worked on teaching myself some stuff when I lived at my mom's, but my mom and sister always made fun of me, said I could never be a music person, and that it was stupid of me to try.  I really haven't messed with my guitar in probably 13 years.  I never got rid of it because it was something that I really wanted to learn to do....I just never had the guts to be humble enough to not be right, and to be a good student.

I might sound pretty bad right now, but it's not really about that.  I'm learning a lot that has nothing to do with music.

A Script for Consistency

I had a tough run in with my mom this weekend.  Don’t ask what happened, because I’m not even sure I can articulate it.  It’s just that all my interactions with her leave me feeling less than, feeling like I have to earn her love, and feeling unwanted.  I was processing it through some emails with a friend and it was suggested that I tell Bryan that I really need to feel wanted right now.  Now, in good marriage counseling theory, that sounds like a good and reasonable idea.  In fact, my therapist has suggested it many times for various reasons.  My answer has always been “That’s stupid.  I can’t ask for him to say or do something just to make me feel better.  It will feel scripted and not real.”  My therapist’s response was one of yeah, it probably will the first few times, but you’ll get used to it.

My friend’s response was marriage changing.  It was:

It is scripted - that doesn't mean it's not real. If one of your kids is hurt, you probably have several things you do to either help or make them feel better. That doesn't mean your care for them is not "real". Having a spouse that cares for you when you're hurt is called "a good marriage". Does the script work? That's called "smart". Make sure you run some good scripts on him too.

 

When you’re teaching a kid to read, you need them to not only work on knowing letter sounds, you need them to memorize some “sight words.”  These are words that either cannot be pieced together with the letter sounds, like “the”, or high frequency words, like “is”, “at”, and “me.”  The second set of words might seem silly to memorize because sounding the word out works easily for them.  The rational is that a reader will encounter these words often and you don’t want it to be a new experience every time they see them or they won’t become a fluent reader. 

Now let’s mesh those 2 ideas.  If life is supposed to be calm and smooth (see previous post), then it would stand to reason that every time stress hits, it should not be a new experience.  It’s ok if there are scripts in place to calm things down, take the emotional charge out of the situation, and give you encouragement.  And just because it’s relatively the same thing that was said or done in the past shouldn’t make it any less meaningful.  Likewise, if one person is struggling and the other hasn’t yet noticed and stepped in, then it’s ok to ask for help.  And it’s ok if that help is in the form a “script” that has been used before.  I used to think (until this all clicked for me on my drive in to work this morning) that if the person really loved and cared for me, then they’d go out of their way to customize just the right thing to make me feel better every single time.  (And now that I say that out loud, I can recognize how daunting a task that would be.)

In the interest of true honesty and vulnerability, this also helps with me remembering that life should be calm and I shouldn’t create chaos.  If I know what answer/response/script I’m going to get, it takes the fun out of creating chaos.  If I already know how they are going to handle the chaos, and then it actually does play out like I thought it would, it takes the excitement out of creating the chaos in the first place. This means it will no longer serve the purpose that it once did.  While that’s a good thing, I’m also a little disappointed that my go-to isn’t going to work anymore. 

However, as I grow and become more healthy, I’ve got to image that these new habits of consistency will become just as comforting as my old habits of chaos were.  I have a hope that that is true.