Progress on Steps One, OneB, and OneC

This post is an update to this post.

Step One -- So there we go, step one is make humility a top priority and let go of being right because of the perceived arrogance that comes with it.
Let's see, I think I've made good progress on this one.  I had an incredible opportunity for growth over the last several weeks.  I've had the privilege of having frequent interactions with someone who pushes my buttons and brings out my argumentative spirit.  I've made thoughtful progress during conversations, as well as sat down to reflect on how things went after most conversations I had with her.  (Wow.  That makes me sound like such a dork.)  I thought about what I said, the tone I used, and how I might say or do something different in my next interaction so that I am displaying a respectful attitude.  It's far from perfect or even natural; it's something I will continue to be mindful of.  I think I've gotten better, but there's still lots of room for improvement.

Step OneB -- The next thing we talked about was at what point in my relationships do I put the wall up.
I've made big progress on this one too!  This one has been surprisingly fun, even for an introvert with self worth issues.  I've made conscience efforts to be vulnerable in conversations.  I've given a lot of friends a lot of information lately.  It's been fun to see how they are able to connect with me when I give them even the smallest bit to latch on to.  It's been healing for me to share things and have friends follow up in a meaningful way.  It's also been fun to reciprocate!  I've never been a fan of small talk, and I considered most things small talk.  I avoided it at all cost because I didn't have any interest in knowing about someone else's personal life, and I didn't want the responsibility of following up.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  I've done so much better about this, and have even enjoyed it.  I've already seen a couple of my relationships grow stronger because of this.  I feel like now I can be more caring and compassionate, which is something I always wanted and never knew how to do.  I've seen awesome growth in this area.

Step OneC -- This step is going to be a lot of looking at a current filter, deciding if it was put there by someone or something else or if it truly is something that is part of me now. 
This is a slow process.  I think I've made slight improvements towards this.  I've made time to do things with friends who push me to be real and not just a follower.  I haven't really had the time to retreat by myself to think about this one, but hopefully I can try that this summer.  Change will be slow, but hopefully long lasting.   

Guitar Lessons

So I started taking guitar lessons.  I'm excited to finally learn how to play well enough to actually play a song that people will recognize!

But my guitar lessons are only about 14% about learning how to play the guitar.
I'd say it's somewhere around 48% about learning how to be humble, 23% about not always being right, and 15% about rewriting the past.

I hate to not know what's going on.  I hate when I don't know more than someone else about a subject.  It is so humbling for me to try something and possibly fail, right in front of someone else.  It's really a stretch for me sit with Jordan and try something and have him say, "No, not quite. More like this."  He is very kind and a great teacher, it's just that I'm not used to being the student.  I may have control issues...

It's difficult for me to not be right.  It's really hard for me to practice something for a week and then find out I'm not doing it right.  I know it's no big deal.  It really isn't.  I told my students all the time to just keep trying, and I really didn't judge them at all for not getting something the first or second time.  But when it's my turn, man it's hard to keep plugging away at it and not give up.

I've had my guitar since I was 16.  Ben took me to Elderly Music in Lansing and helped me pick it out.  We worked on a few things together and he taught me most of the basic chords, but then he moved.  My dad and step-mom got me guitar lessons for my 17th birthday, but when I went to the first lesson, I found out that they hadn't actually paid for them, and I was stuck with the bill.  I worked on teaching myself some stuff when I lived at my mom's, but my mom and sister always made fun of me, said I could never be a music person, and that it was stupid of me to try.  I really haven't messed with my guitar in probably 13 years.  I never got rid of it because it was something that I really wanted to learn to do....I just never had the guts to be humble enough to not be right, and to be a good student.

I might sound pretty bad right now, but it's not really about that.  I'm learning a lot that has nothing to do with music.

Lucky me, lucky you

It really bothers me when people tell me that they are jealous of something in my life.  It bothers me because I cannot think about what I have today without thinking about the struggle I went through to get it.  I have a difficult time separating the past from the current.  To me, hearing “I’m jealous of…” is the same thing as “you’re lucky because…”. 

I’m lucky that my kids go to bed without crying and don’t come climb in bed with us every night?  That’s because B and I worked really hard on establishing bedtime routines early on and sticking to them no matter what.  We made the decision that this was important to us, and we persevered through some not fun evenings.  We carried boys back to their bed in the middle of the night, when it would have been easier to just let them stay.  I’m not saying our way is the “right” way, not at all.  I wholeheartedly believe that what is great for me is less than great for someone else.  This is not a bash on parenting differently than me/us.  My point is just that when someone says “You’re lucky your kids go to bed without having a fit,” I hear “You’re lucky that your kids are perfect angels and you never had any trouble getting them to behave at bed time.”  Not true.  I feel like the comment discounts the work that lead to this point.

Today I realized that me thinking “it’s because I did the work to get to this point” discounts God’s role over it all.  Today I realized that when I think about all the hard work I’ve done to get to where I am, I cannot take any credit for that without first giving credit to God.  Praise be to God who had his hand of protection on me during some dark, dark nights.  Thank God for my Christian upbringing and my people pleasing attitude that kept me from doing horrible things when I was feeling worthless. Thank God for my loving husband who never gave up on me or our marriage, regardless how hard I pushed him away. It’s only because of Christ’s love for me that I can enjoy grace and forgiveness for sins.  Next time someone tells me they are jealous of me in some way, or that I’m lucky because, it’s with a spirit of humility that I need to respond by first giving glory to a God that loves me more than I deserve and has taken care of me every step of the way.  Only then can I think about choices I’ve made that led me to whatever it is they are admiring in my life.  And again, with a spirit of humility, I can share what I’ve done to get it, because ultimately it’s not what I have done.  It’s not mine to claim, it’s not mine to cling to, it’s not mine to take all the credit for.  

It’s only because I’m lucky enough to have a savior who paid a price I could not pay, loves me more than I can fathom, and works all things for the good of those who love Him. 

So What

I spent a lot of years with the knowledge that God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, so that whomsoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) I memorized this as a child.  A child who was not hugged, talked to, played with, or rescued.  I knew all the words, and it meant nothing to me.  I took the idea of God's love and stuffed it into the broken box I had about what love was, and what love was not.

I also knew all about grace.  I knew that the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. (Titus 2:11)  I took the idea of God's grace and I trimmed it down to the size of the grace I knew about.  I knew that grace was for little things that you did on accident.  I knew that anything you did on purpose made you a bad person.  I knew that big, major screw ups would leave me abandoned.  I knew that at the end of the day, there definitely were things I could do that grace would not touch, and I would be left with no one to help me fix it.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there were things outside of where grace could reach, and they'd always be there, never to be forgiven.

I did not grow up with examples of unconditional love and forgiveness and grace.  I had no concept of it.  When you're a child, you know that nobody would love you more than your parents.  If there were limits to that love, then there were even greater limits on the rest.  When I tried to match my bible knowledge with what I knew, it reconciled in a way that diminished God to another person that I would never be good enough for.

Fast forward a couple decades, and I'm only just beginning to understand the cascade of damage done by bad parenting.  I'm only now starting to see how backwards I had things, and how my understanding of God cheated me out of knowing the love and peace and comfort that comes from the God that wants me, loves me, and promises to wipe away every tear.  I have to allow grace for myself here, because my first thought is how I blew it.  Grace says, "start again."

Several times on this parenting journey I have thought about things that I should have done differently with the boys.  My excuse has been "Nobody showed me how to do it better."  SO WHAT.  I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not in the same place I was 15, 20, or 25 years ago.  I'm not a helpless child anymore and I can take control now.  First of all, if I look around, I do have people showing me how to do it.  God has given us great friends who provide some rock solid examples of what Christ centered, loving parents do with and for their kids.  In addition, there's this little book that has a lot of cool information in it - the bible.  When I can read the bible without my filter that scales it down, I'm overwhelmed with the love that Christ has shown time and time again.

I was thinking last night about my latest goal for myself of working on humility.  As I was starting to think of practical ways that it can play out in my daily life, I realized that it's going to take some effort.  It's going to feel a lot like work, and it's not going to be fun.  Nobody showed me how to do this and it's going to be too hard to change now.  True, nobody showed me...but so what.  I'm not alone in this, God has been showing me that daily for the last year.  I have people to talk through it with, to process what it could look like for me, and to hold me accountable to do better.  I also know from my teaching background that the best way to learn something so that you truly know it is to study it enough to be able to teach it to someone else.  As I continue to head this direction, I've got these 3 little guys watching.  When I think of the actions I want them to see and emulate, it doesn't seem too difficult.  Regardless of what I was taught, I'm still called to be a woman who chases after God as I do my best to raise these boys into men who love and serve the Lord.

I think the next step of this healing journey is going to be that I give up my excuse I've clung to forever.  It is true that nobody showed me.  That is the absolute truth.  But so what.