Weird

This is still really weird for me.  I'm not really interested in writing for no audience.  Or writing for myself.  It feels strange.  But I'll try.  Because I want to get better.

So I'm struggling with coming to terms with how I was treated growing up.  Things were pretty crappy.  I didn't feel loved by my parents.  And I don't want to hear "oh I'm sure they loved you in their own way." Yeah, not helpful.  I've heard that so many times, which is why I'm still dealing with this junk two decades later.  Because I let people negate my feelings.  The most validating thing for me during this time has been to have my friend who was around back then listen to me and acknowledge that what I felt was pretty accurate with what was actually happening.  Validating because I've spent a lot years thinking that it was all in my head.  But painful because if it wasn't really all in my head, and it was actually happening, then what does it all mean.

I'm trying to get to the point where I can acknowledge that something was very wrong back then and it was them and not me. But all the crap I lived through has wreaked havoc on my self worth and self esteem and I'm just not able to recognize that yet.  I hoping and praying for love and healing to wash over me.  And I'm waiting for it to happen.

Everyday I remember a new story of something from my teenage years.  And when I think about it now from the perspective of a parent and how I do/want to treat my own children, it becomes extra painful to think about.  It's frustrating to know that there's nothing I can do to go back to that point in my life and feel loved.  Nothing will fix it.  I'm supposed to be grieving that time.  Grieving and saying goodbye to how I wish I had been treated.  And not trying to manipulate my life today into getting now what I didn't get then.

I hate feeling like this.  Today, my life is great.  Couldn't be better, actually.  And it pisses me off that I have things so great, and I wish for something else.  I'm still broken.  But I'm putting in the work to get better everyday.