I've always written. I've had diaryies and journals since I was very young. Much like my blog, though, I would often abandon them after a period of time. If I ever did go back and read through them, I hated everything I wrote. Most of the time it was either the mundane events of the day, or it was getting out some extreme feelings that were no longer relevant.
Over the summer I had been reading through a couple of different books that really spoke to my current situation, and I started writing down passages that I wanted to come back and think about, or writing my response to some items I read. I filled the journal and finished the books a few months ago. Over my break I got the journal back out and read through it, and it was so helpful! It was great to see things that were important at the time and see how I've moved past that issue now. It was also helpful to see areas that I wanted to work on and had forgotten about. I'm pretty sure THIS is the point of journaling.
So this morning I was rereading old blog posts, and I found this quote from one of the books I was reading at the time:
“One terrible defensive outcome is to settle into an emotionally robotic
existence in which they (the one hurt by bad parenting) feel neither the pain of childhood nor the realization
of life’s pleasures.”
And THAT would explain why I'm STILL dealing with this love crap. That would explain why I can hear "I love you" and speak "I love you" without it evoking much emotion. That's why I can go long periods of time feeling indifferent about my husband and not be bothered by the feeling.
Now that I think I understand God better (see previous post), I have a different perspective on prayer. I'm starting to pray some specific God sized prayers for my life, for healing, and restoration. I'm adding this issue to the list. Not the shopping list of prayer requests I've been accustomed to making, but the list of things that I will think about as seek God's face, as I look for ways to live a life that his holy and pleasing to Him, as I work to sow righteousness.
2 comments:
I have diaries from being 11. I'm thinking about burning all of them ... all of them. The difference between us is that I never was even honest with myself in them ... I read them, and I see hints of the pain ... but even then I was trying to write a different story. Dishonest ... but palatable to the child I was.
I am honored to vicariously walk this path of healing with you, friend. I'm not happy about some of the stuff it's pulling out of my own heart, but I think this is a journey that needs to be made. Thank you, again, for inviting me along!
Oh, i get the part about not always being honest with yourself. It's taken me a long time to sort through the several different versions of my story I had playing in my head. I had a very good friend that was around "back then" that I've been processing stuff with. It's been so validating to hear him tell me "yeah, that actually happened," because as a way to cope I completely lost track of what was real. Did you read the post about "Where the story starts"? I touch on that a little in there, I think.
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