What If

I know that you're not supposed to play the "what if" game.  I know.  I think you're not supposed to because who goes down the "what if" road looking for things to be worse?  Usually it's done in the context of "wow, this sucks, I wonder how much better it would have been if..."  And of course the grass is always greener, you want what you can't have, there's always the one that got away... those cliches come to mind when I think about "what if."  And sometimes your own grass is looking just fine until you go down that what if road.  I know all this.  But I'm going there anyway, just for minute.

My latest "what if" comes in the form of wondering what else my life could have become had I had visionary parents who helped me to discover my gifts, my purpose, my vision, and helped me to reach to achieve my goals.  I'm not unhappy with my life, I don't wish it were bigger and better, but I just wonder where I might have been led if I had parents doing the leading.  What if they had talked to me about my strengths and interests and how I could use those in my career?  What if they had helped me to think about a college major?  What if they had taken me to visit colleges?  What if they had made phone calls to their friends to arrange day on the job visits in fields I might be interested in?  What if they had traveled with me and I'd fallen in love with Seattle, or Maine, or Tennessee?  The possibilities are endless.

But, I can't hang out here, I know that.  This isn't about me wishing my life were something different.  This is me knowing that parents who love their children do these things for them, and my parents didn't.  This is me grieving the connection I missed out on by not doing these things with my parents.  This is me wishing I had parents who loved me and cared enough to help me to become the best version of myself.

This is just one more of those areas where I have to acknowledge that my parents blew it, but God had his hand on me anyway.  I can look back at choices I made and know without a doubt that it was only by God's direction that I was able to make the choice I did.  On paper, someone with my life experiences should not have chosen what I chose.  God has blessed my life in so many ways and I certainly don't want to discount that by giving the impression that I'm not just fine right now.  Because I am JUST FINE right now, by the grace of God.  Even still, every once in a while I think about what loving parents do and I'm overcome with sadness for having missed out on that.  Regardless how I got here, even if it was by my own struggle and discovery and not guidance from my parents, I'm right where God intended me to be.  He can, will, and does use my story, in spite of it all.