Open and Shut

Ahhhhhh, it happened, just like it always does.  I miss a day or two of posting, and then it's a week, and then it turns into two months with no posts.  I've thought a million times about different things I wanted to write about, I just didn't make the time to do so.  Oh well, I'll just jump back in.

I feel like I've reached the critical point in a couple of my relationships where I have to consciously decide to stay open and continue to build the friendship rather than shut down and retreat.  I don't handle this point well.  I can look back on some friendships I've had that started to get a little too personal and see how I sabotaged them so that I could remain isolated and not have people on the inside.  But then I hit a rough patch in life and I wonder why people aren't coming along side me to be supportive and help.  It's because I had shut them out.  I know I can't have it both ways.

I'm not really sure how to do it.  I guess it's by sharing more personal things and trusting the person to do the same, as they feel comfortable doing so.  It's just weird to me.  I never had a best friend growing up.  I never thought I was interesting enough to maintain someones friendship.  I guess I never thought anyone would find it fun to hang out and just do nothing with me.  I am pretty good about sticking to an agenda or serving a purpose, it's after that that I don't feel like I have anything to offer to the relationship.  Perhaps it's based on not thinking very highly of myself, or not trusting myself, but I haven't done this very well thus far.

This topic seemed a little more interesting in my head. I guess I'll just keep plugging away with the couple of friendships I have been investing in, and see what naturally unfolds, when I decide to remain open.