All Up In Here

In my head I'm a very loving person.  I have so many kind thoughts about what should be done for others or what should be said to someone.  I very rarely act on those thoughts.  I thought that I didn't follow through with my ideas because I'm introverted and just didn't want to interact with people that much, but now I'm not convinced that introversion is my real reason for holding back.

I've been thinking a lot about being who God really created me to be.  I love this idea that God gave me unique talents, gifts, personality, and thoughts that are specific to me.  Who am I that the creator of the universe would put so much thought into weaving together these intricate details that make me me?  I'm his daughter, that's who.  And with those intricate details that are only mine comes a responsibility, a freeing and empowering responsibility to just be me.  To be the best version of me that I can be.

I see a lady struggling with her kids at a restaurant and I think "someone should make her day and pay for her meal."  I see an elderly man trying to unload his groceries and I think "someone should help him."  I see a girl crying while pumping her gas and I think "someone should go talk to her."  I see a pastor pouring his heart and soul into ministry and I think "someone should encourage him."  Most of the time, I act on none of it.  Although I'm teaching my kids to spot it and do it.  Cade has no problem inserting himself into someone else's life like that, so I send him.  And on one hand that's good because hopefully he's learning to look out for others, and serve others, but on the other hand, that doesn't let me off the hook at all.

So in thinking about these things that happen in my head and never in real life, I was trying to think about what holds me back from doing them.  I came up with three fears that stop me in my tracks every time.

1. It will take up too much of my own time.  What if giving and serving others takes more than I want to offer?  What if a quick task turns into something bigger?  I'm not good with boundaries or confrontation or difficult conversations, and I'm afraid I'll have to either tell someone no or else be sucked into something much bigger than what I wanted to give.  
2. I'm afraid my loving words or deeds will be misconstrued to be seen as romantic or inappropriate feelings.  This is one hundred percent my own baggage.  This fear comes from a couple different places, one being "did this happen because I was asking for it?  Is this somehow my fault?"  So I put up this great big wall, a huge brick wall with barbed wire around the top, and shards of glass sticking out from the brick.  I give off this "I don't like you" vibe to nearly everyone, just in case.  Just to be clear, I error on the side of "I have no interest in you."  Wow, did not realize how big of a deal this one was until I started writing this.  This is where there is healing that still needs to happen.  Healing and restoration. 
3. I'm also afraid that I will put all this love out there into the world, and none will come back to me.  I'm afraid that I will invest in other people, I will bless other people, I will encourage them and love them, and then when I'm down they won't do the same.  If I haven't invested in anyone else, then it's okay when nobody comes alongside me when I'm struggling.  I'm afraid that I need to keep love for myself; that I need to love myself because nobody else will.  I've invested pretty heavily into some friendships over the last year or so, and yet still wonder if the other person would text if I stopped texting them.  And it shouldn't matter, I know that.  I have this loving God who has the whole world in his hands, but last I checked he didn't have a cell phone in his hand.  When it's me that needs the encouragement and needs to feel loved and cared for, will He hold up his end of the deal and provide comfort?  I don't know. I think of this like the tithing thing, where it's all his anyway, and if I just give him a little, he will return it back to me so many more times over.  Logically, I can buy into that.  Emotionally, I'm not there yet.  I'm not able to trust that if I give of myself, if I invest my love in others, then he will fill me back up.  

So, what if the good that God created in me really is in my ability to see brokenness all around and see tangible ways to make it a little better?  What if my head isn't a mess, but actually hardwired to love and be loved?  What if the God who is faithful and just really does have a plan for this broken world, a plan that involves me holding a door, smiling at a stranger, buying lunch for a tired mother, or grabbing a coffee for a coworker?  What if up in my head is where he is doing some of his best work yet?  If I were to buy into that, and trust God for the rest, who knows where it could lead.