Who Knew

I’m kind of wading through a tough season right now.  It’s not at all something I would have expected to be so effected by.  I really have no idea who (if anyone) reads this, so the situation will be described in generalities.

This job has been one of those times where I know that God just lined everything up perfectly.  The timing of it in regards to other things happening in my life could not have been more perfect.  In the first year at this position I was working through some pretty dark stuff from my past, and every thought and every memory would rain down negativity into my world and all I could see were so many ways that I had screwed up and so many reasons why I’d not amount to anything more.  It was during this time that I had the privilege of working with someone who not only saw my strengths and worked to draw them out of me, but also empowered me in a way that made me start to see them too.  For the first time I was starting to think that I really might be okay, maybe even a little awesome, despite it all.  Every interaction I had with this woman just poured encouragement into me that much more.  It wasn’t a close relationship; it really wasn’t much more than a casual working relationship, but her position in my life at that time was exactly what I needed to keep going, keep digging, keep working through junk with a hope that I would come out okay on the other side.

So everything is in this huge state of flux right now.  I don’t mind change, per se, but I am very bothered by uncertainty.  That alone has me a little freaked out.  But in addition to the general uncertainty, it has become clear that we won’t be working together anymore.  As if that weren’t upsetting enough, I was actually a member of the search committee that had a hand in this decision.  I’ve never prayed so hard for wisdom in my entire life.  I’ve never chosen my words as carefully as I did during those committee discussions.  I have a hope that there is something better coming for both of us, something better than either of us could have planned.  Hanging onto that hope is just about the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind right now.  The emotion I have surrounding this whole situation is completely surprising to me because, honestly, if I were to list my “friends” or even “influential people” in my life, I’m not even sure she would have made either list.  Maybe it’s just tough because I hate conflict and don’t like anyone to be upset, but I think it might be more than that. 

Whatever it is, it’s not fun.  I’m trying to understand the purpose behind it.  I would say that this is one of the first times I’ve walked through a decision like this with the utmost integrity.  I thought that by doing everything the right way this time that God would honor that and everything would turn out perfect.  And maybe it still will.  Maybe I have too small of an idea of what “perfect” can look like.  I can only cling to what I know to be the character of an all-loving God who is continually shaping me into the image he has for me.  I’m disappointed, but I have a hope that it’s not over yet.