Turn Right to Go Left

So I'm really struggling through some things in my head right now.  Struggling with self doubt, struggling with body image, struggling with insecurities that just won't seem to go away.  There are things that I thought I had dealt with that are just manifesting themselves in my life in a different way than before.  The phrase I keep coming back to is trading one addiction for another.  I've done a lot of work in a lot of different areas, but there are just some deeply ingrained coping mechanisms that continue to creep back up in one form or another.  While the addictions themselves are not good, the worse part is the reason behind them.  The reason I want to eat, puke, smoke, cut, sleep, drink, etc is the thing that needs to still be dealt with.  I suppose just the fact that I can recognize that is a sign of growth right there.

I've got some things set up on my social media that are there for the sole purpose of just helping me to build some awareness.  I started following certain people or groups not with the intent to copy them to get the results they got, but just to start to watch what they do and say.  One of the themes I'm noticing is that before you can beat the self doubt, before you can squash the insecurity issues, you have to already not have self doubt and insecurities.  I'm hoping a "fake it til you make it" mentality will work, because I just can't seem to get there yet.

One of my big issues right now is body image.  I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight.  The one thing I've noticed from all of the transformation people I follow on Instagram is that they will all say they had to love themselves as they were before they could create lasting change.  It seems so counter-intuitive.  I'll love myself when I'm thinner.  In my mind, if I love myself now, then that's saying this is okay, and it's not.  I know myself pretty well, and if there's a loophole to be found, I will find it.  I'm afraid that accepting, no not only accepting, but actually loving myself will feel like permission to just stay the same.

Logically, I think I understand how this works.  I get the whole big picture idea that God loves us just as we are, but loves us too much to let us stay there.  It makes sense to me that once I truly love and appreciate myself fully, I'll want to take care of myself, and it will lead to better, healthier choices.  Logically, it makes perfect sense.  I'd try to sell that to someone else.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe about myself.

I'll love me when I'm better, but I can't be better until I love me.  It's a crazy cycle.