This Much I know

I hesitate to spend much time thinking about this because I have found that the quickest way to not be "good" is to claim that you're "good."

But, you heard it here first.....I'm good.

This year has been another great year of healing and restoration.  I feel like so much of what used to weigh heavily on me has been washed by grace.  I can walk away from conversations that used to send me into a tailspin with a new sense of peace and an understanding that it's not my problem to solve.  Boundaries are firmly in place, and I have done the work I needed to do to detach and separate my self worth from other people's opinions of me.  I have an assurance that my feet are firmly planted in Christ's love for me.  I'm good.

I have a firm sense that God truly is at work in my life, and that He is working all things for my good.  I have become part of the Student Ministries Team, where God has blessed me with an awesome group of girls to work with.  I love the fact that working with this ministry taps into the healthy stuff of my life.  This isn't a group of troubled girls.  I don't need to draw on my own troubled past in order to connect with them.  God's hand and God's timing is covering this entire aspect of my life right now, and I'm excited to be a part of it.

I have a hope, which leads to the faith to trust, and the confidence to become all that God has created me to be.  I have been given several opportunities to help others see that there are specific traits and skills that God has given them to use.  After pointing this out to enough people, I started to think that maybe that is true in my own life.  I have always had this huge, big picture perspective and thought that I needed to find something great to do.  When I switch to a smaller perspective and focus on the little ways that God has uniquely gifted me, it changes everything. I now understand how thinking small will lead to the big.  And it's the only way to get there.

The reason I hesitate to think about this is because I'm still working on letting go of the victim mindset I've had for so very long.  I feel like things need to be a mess in order for me to be comfortable.  I feel like I need chaos in order to have people involved in my life.  I've come a long way in this thinking, but I was afraid that by declaring that I'm good it would feel like I was giving up the pursuit of getting better.  I now get that those two things are not mutually exclusive.  I'm so much better, healthier, than I've ever been, and yet I'm also still so committed to continually getting better, and healthier, in every part of my life.  I'm also afraid of the cliche of walking out of rehab, only to find myself back a few months later.  So I'm not walking away from rehab.  I'm switching from the inpatient program to the day program.  I'm still committed to taking care of myself, and I'm still aware of how fragile my self worth is.  I'm in good shape today, and I've got a whole toolbox to help me if I'm not in good shape tomorrow. 

But today, I'm good.  This much I know.