Screw That

I have always been very worried about getting screwed over.  I have always felt like I needed to really look out for myself, because nobody else was, and if I didn't, I would not be treated fairly.  One of the therapists I've seen said an extreme sensitivity to fairness is a byproduct of sexual abuse.  He’s the only one that ever told me that, so I don’t know if it’s true or not.  He might have just made it up.  Either way, extreme sensitivity to fairness absolutely described me. 

In elementary school, if someone was passing out birthday treats, I would sit up tall so they could definitely see me.  I’d clean off my desk so there was nothing else on it; that way they could clearly see that they hadn't given me one yet.  I’d follow them with my eyes.  I’d have a line ready in my head, ready to speak up when they served my neighbor and skipped me.  I had no reason to think that they’d skip me, other than that I felt like I was always the one forgotten.  Always the one left out.  Always the one screwed over.

When I order food through the drive through, I don’t leave the window without counting my change and checking my order.  Not because I've had either messed up in the past, but because I’m worried that somehow I won’t get what is due to me.

At the secretary of state, I would intently watch the number they were on while waiting for mine to be called.  When they called the number before me, I sat on the edge of my seat ready for them to skip over my number.  I just knew that somehow I’d be missed and I would need to fight for myself. 

I've realized that in this healing process, this restoration, and this time of drawing close to God that I have really started to let this go.  I realized it the other day when a situation that would have normally riled me up, really didn't bother me at all.  I thought, “So what.  If I’m right and they are wrong, then I would've saved five bucks.  I’m not hurting for five bucks.”  It was very easy for me to let it go.  Except that I over think things, so I did come back to it, but from a different angle.  I wondered why it didn't bother me, and I just kept coming back to the heart of the matter.  The person had no malice intent.  It would have been a huge hassle for me to prove my case, and for them to fix the situation if I was correct.  God has blessed us financially.  It’s only five bucks.  It was really pretty easy to just walk away, both literally and figuratively.  However, the biggest blessing in all of this was my heart in the matter.  I had a deep sense of peace, a deep soul knowledge that God is taking care of me, and a comfort in letting go of having to worry about myself.  I have always felt like I had to fend for myself.  Whether I really had to or not is not the issue.  I felt like I had to.  There is so much freedom in letting go of feeling like I’m on my own in this world.

The Psalms are full of promises of peace.  “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”  Psalm 29:11

On this healing journey, this peace has been the biggest surprise blessing for me.  Grace and peace.  I didn't even know I was missing them, but I’m so thankful I've found them.