Screw That

I have always been very worried about getting screwed over.  I have always felt like I needed to really look out for myself, because nobody else was, and if I didn't, I would not be treated fairly.  One of the therapists I've seen said an extreme sensitivity to fairness is a byproduct of sexual abuse.  He’s the only one that ever told me that, so I don’t know if it’s true or not.  He might have just made it up.  Either way, extreme sensitivity to fairness absolutely described me. 

In elementary school, if someone was passing out birthday treats, I would sit up tall so they could definitely see me.  I’d clean off my desk so there was nothing else on it; that way they could clearly see that they hadn't given me one yet.  I’d follow them with my eyes.  I’d have a line ready in my head, ready to speak up when they served my neighbor and skipped me.  I had no reason to think that they’d skip me, other than that I felt like I was always the one forgotten.  Always the one left out.  Always the one screwed over.

When I order food through the drive through, I don’t leave the window without counting my change and checking my order.  Not because I've had either messed up in the past, but because I’m worried that somehow I won’t get what is due to me.

At the secretary of state, I would intently watch the number they were on while waiting for mine to be called.  When they called the number before me, I sat on the edge of my seat ready for them to skip over my number.  I just knew that somehow I’d be missed and I would need to fight for myself. 

I've realized that in this healing process, this restoration, and this time of drawing close to God that I have really started to let this go.  I realized it the other day when a situation that would have normally riled me up, really didn't bother me at all.  I thought, “So what.  If I’m right and they are wrong, then I would've saved five bucks.  I’m not hurting for five bucks.”  It was very easy for me to let it go.  Except that I over think things, so I did come back to it, but from a different angle.  I wondered why it didn't bother me, and I just kept coming back to the heart of the matter.  The person had no malice intent.  It would have been a huge hassle for me to prove my case, and for them to fix the situation if I was correct.  God has blessed us financially.  It’s only five bucks.  It was really pretty easy to just walk away, both literally and figuratively.  However, the biggest blessing in all of this was my heart in the matter.  I had a deep sense of peace, a deep soul knowledge that God is taking care of me, and a comfort in letting go of having to worry about myself.  I have always felt like I had to fend for myself.  Whether I really had to or not is not the issue.  I felt like I had to.  There is so much freedom in letting go of feeling like I’m on my own in this world.

The Psalms are full of promises of peace.  “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”  Psalm 29:11

On this healing journey, this peace has been the biggest surprise blessing for me.  Grace and peace.  I didn't even know I was missing them, but I’m so thankful I've found them.

This Too Shall Pass

This time last year I thought I’d never be happy.  Like really, deep down, not dependent on the day kind of happy.  I was heading into some dark closets with big skeletons, and I really didn’t think I’d come out of it ok.  I can remember days where story after story would replay in my head, and I just had this heaviness that felt like it would never go away.  I figured that my past wasn’t going to go away, and as long as it was there, then joy would not be. 

That was before I understood grace, I guess.  I mean, I assume that’s what the difference is.  I knew about grace.  I knew every bible verse and every song about grace.  But I hadn’t experienced grace.  For me, the grace came in two steps.  First, I allowed myself to accept grace for the things that I had done that I thought weren’t completely my fault.  I knew they were bad, but I also knew I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t have the abuse and self-worth issues.  So since I felt a little bit justified, I only needed a little bit of grace, at least that was my rationale.  Then there came a point where I made myself finally reach an age of accountability.  I’m not sure why this took so long, but I finally found myself at a point where I didn’t feel like I had any justification for something I had done.  Once the confession came, and there wasn’t anything I could do except accept grace, and move on, that’s when I felt like the flood gates of heaven opened and grace like rain covered me.  And that’s when I finally felt the darkness begin to fade.  That’s when I was able to finally recognize God’s crazy love for me.  That’s when I could finally feel loved by people around me.  I didn’t think it was ever going to happen, but I’m so thankful it did.  Not only do I feel like I have a sense of peace and joy, but I feel like I can finally move on.  As if peace and joy weren’t already huge big deal issues for me, moving on is just as awesome!

I’m still trying to process a lot of this.  On one hand, I feel like I want to move on, and not look back.  On another hand, I want to be able to recognize that all this junk in my past is just a small piece to the complicated, broken person I am today.  I want to be able to feely and openly talk with others about it in hopes of putting purpose to the pain, in that it can help someone else, but I sure don’t want to just be the girl that makes everything about her abusive past.  I’m going to continue to pray that God will just have his way with it.  I’ve completely given it to God to do with as he will, and I trust that whatever does or does not come out of that, is for the best.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve also completely given my writing to God.  I don’t know if he has any plans for it or not.  I don’t know if anything will come of this blog or not.  I used to be really good about sending people handwritten notes and cards, and I’d like to get back to that.  I know that I’m much more comfortable sharing love and encouragement in writing than I am in person, so I’m praying that maybe God can use that.  I’m not sure, but I feel like this might be the gift he has given me to use for his glory.  If it’s “only” sending encouraging words to people who need it, then so be it.  I will be faithful in the small things and trust his direction and leading.  I used to stress and worry so much about being in God’s will.  In college, I was certain there was 1 career, 1 future employer, 1 job that he had planned for me and if I wasn’t listening carefully enough then I’d screw it up.  Man, just writing that now gives me anxiety all over again!  But now, I have a sense of peace when it comes to thinking about being in God’s will.  What does he ask?  Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Love your neighbor as yourself.  If I’ve got those things down, and I’m open to his leading, then I’m good to go.  Perhaps for the first time ever, I’m open to his leading, and there is such joy and peace in that.

Random Thoughts

I tried to stay on topic, but it was feeling too forced.  So this post is about a few different ideas that may or may not be connected.

“You need to learn to change the inner dialogue to one of respecting yourself now, as regular and unromantic as you are sometimes, or you live in great swoops of emotion, always afraid that the moment the dust settles, people will see the real you and reject you.”  This is a quote that I wrote down from a book I read recently, and can’t remember what book it’s from.  My guess is it is a Geneen Roth book.

I think this is another way of saying what I’ve said before – that I like to live in chaos.  I like this quote because it not only talks about that, but it includes a responsibility component.  It includes me taking charge of the inner dialogue.  I’ve been working on that one, and it’s not easy.

I’ve heard it said that you are your own worst enemy, and I know it’s definitely true for me.  I’m very critical of myself.  I’ve always judged myself harshly in many different areas.  I learned this from my mom.  My mom and my sister are very judgmental of other people and every time I heard them make a negative comment about someone, I made a mental note to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake the poor soul being judged did.  

When I hear them talking about my cousin who had a baby without being married, I’m reminded of why I lived in constant fear of messing up as a child/teenager.  There is absolutely no grace to be offered and I know without a doubt that I would not have been accepted by my family if I did anything they didn’t approve of.  And since my other issues resulted in me not having any close friends, family was all I had.  I had to earn their acceptance. Here enters my perfectionism tendency.  

I’ve been working hard on rewriting that inner dialogue.  I am constantly telling myself that “nobody cares but you.” I have to continually remind myself that honestly nobody cares if I like something on my pizza that they think is gross.  I have always worked so hard to not have anything that anyone could make fun of me for.  I kept my likes and dislikes hidden, and my passions secret.  I didn’t want to give anyone knowledge that could later be used against me.  Because that’s what I grew up with.  I was constantly teased and harassed by my family for liking something, or not liking something else.  And this is why I didn’t have close friends.  Nobody knew me.  I didn’t give anyone anything they could connect with, so the relationships were always kept at a distance. 

I’m working on it.  I’m working on sharing more of myself.  I’m working on taking down the walls that I have.  I’m working on not judging myself with ridiculous standards, and I’m also working very hard at not judging others.  Whatever it is, it could easily be me.  My toddler is one “no” away from throwing a screaming fit in the store, I’m one accident away from not having a vehicle, I’m one emergency away from being burdened with medical bills.  

I’ve also heard that whatever you judge yourself by, you’re also using to judge others, which I think is true.  If I’m judging myself about my weight, then I’m always looking at everyone else and seeing how I compare.  And if I think that other people don’t notice that, then I’m in for a rude awakening.  So if I truly do want to be the person who offers grace, then I need to lay off the judgments, for myself and for others.