This Too Shall Pass

This time last year I thought I’d never be happy.  Like really, deep down, not dependent on the day kind of happy.  I was heading into some dark closets with big skeletons, and I really didn’t think I’d come out of it ok.  I can remember days where story after story would replay in my head, and I just had this heaviness that felt like it would never go away.  I figured that my past wasn’t going to go away, and as long as it was there, then joy would not be. 

That was before I understood grace, I guess.  I mean, I assume that’s what the difference is.  I knew about grace.  I knew every bible verse and every song about grace.  But I hadn’t experienced grace.  For me, the grace came in two steps.  First, I allowed myself to accept grace for the things that I had done that I thought weren’t completely my fault.  I knew they were bad, but I also knew I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t have the abuse and self-worth issues.  So since I felt a little bit justified, I only needed a little bit of grace, at least that was my rationale.  Then there came a point where I made myself finally reach an age of accountability.  I’m not sure why this took so long, but I finally found myself at a point where I didn’t feel like I had any justification for something I had done.  Once the confession came, and there wasn’t anything I could do except accept grace, and move on, that’s when I felt like the flood gates of heaven opened and grace like rain covered me.  And that’s when I finally felt the darkness begin to fade.  That’s when I was able to finally recognize God’s crazy love for me.  That’s when I could finally feel loved by people around me.  I didn’t think it was ever going to happen, but I’m so thankful it did.  Not only do I feel like I have a sense of peace and joy, but I feel like I can finally move on.  As if peace and joy weren’t already huge big deal issues for me, moving on is just as awesome!

I’m still trying to process a lot of this.  On one hand, I feel like I want to move on, and not look back.  On another hand, I want to be able to recognize that all this junk in my past is just a small piece to the complicated, broken person I am today.  I want to be able to feely and openly talk with others about it in hopes of putting purpose to the pain, in that it can help someone else, but I sure don’t want to just be the girl that makes everything about her abusive past.  I’m going to continue to pray that God will just have his way with it.  I’ve completely given it to God to do with as he will, and I trust that whatever does or does not come out of that, is for the best.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve also completely given my writing to God.  I don’t know if he has any plans for it or not.  I don’t know if anything will come of this blog or not.  I used to be really good about sending people handwritten notes and cards, and I’d like to get back to that.  I know that I’m much more comfortable sharing love and encouragement in writing than I am in person, so I’m praying that maybe God can use that.  I’m not sure, but I feel like this might be the gift he has given me to use for his glory.  If it’s “only” sending encouraging words to people who need it, then so be it.  I will be faithful in the small things and trust his direction and leading.  I used to stress and worry so much about being in God’s will.  In college, I was certain there was 1 career, 1 future employer, 1 job that he had planned for me and if I wasn’t listening carefully enough then I’d screw it up.  Man, just writing that now gives me anxiety all over again!  But now, I have a sense of peace when it comes to thinking about being in God’s will.  What does he ask?  Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Love your neighbor as yourself.  If I’ve got those things down, and I’m open to his leading, then I’m good to go.  Perhaps for the first time ever, I’m open to his leading, and there is such joy and peace in that.