The Broken Comfort Zone

I've heard every cliche about comfort zones.  You don't grow when you stay in your comfort zone, you miss out on opportunities, you miss out on relationships...all that stuff.  There are plenty of good reasons to buck the system and try new things.  That knowledge doesn't necessarily make it easier to do, but perhaps makes me more aware of the need to keep stretching and growing.  This is nothing new, and I'm sure it applies to everyone.

I have a whole other set of reasons for pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is a battle ground.  My comfort zone is chaos, drama, pain, manipulation, fear, lies, and denial.  Why would anyone want to hang out there?  The logical, head knowledge, part of me knows that I should go running in the opposite direction as fast as I can, and not look back.  If I were watching someone else live this life, and watching their story unfold, I'd definitely judge them for not running.  I can totally see the logical side of it.  But this is what I know, this is the mess I've lived in for so long, this is the system I know how to work. 

Part of my therapy and moving on is identifying triggers and being ready to handle them so I don't "relapse." Truth be told, sometimes all I want to do is relapse.  I want to go back to the mess, because it was my mess and I was comfortable there.  Some days it really is hard to do the right thing, to take the next right step on this healing journey, because it's hard work; it's not easy; it's not second nature yet.  Sometimes it's just not fun. 

There are definitely days that I look around and life feels too quiet.  I wish I could say that I never think of my old habits, but that's just not true.  When life is quiet, I know exactly how to stir things up.  I know exactly how to make things a mess so that I can be comfortable in the midst of chaos again.  But I'm working hard at not going back there.  I'm working hard at looking for love through my new, healthy lens.  I'm starting to be aware of things that are said and done out of love.  I'm also working on remembering that even if it wasn't today that a friend sent me a thoughtful text, I'm still loved today.  I grew up in a place where feelings and emotions changed from moment to moment, sometimes with no rhyme or reason.  I have this horrible 'needy' habit of wanting to be told/shown love every minute of everyday.  I have a husband who is more than willing to accommodate that need, but I've gotten good at dismissing his love as "have to."  He doesn't have to do anything.  He chooses to show me love in a variety of meaningful ways.  It's up to me to receive it.  It's up to me to understand that my broken comfort zone of chaos, isn't reality.  I have stable people in my life who don't waiver in their love, and who don't love me based on performance, and who consistently love me even when it's quiet.  It's up to me to fight to stay there, and not slip back into the chaos I (used to) love.