I Promise....

The anniversary celebration and vow renewal was last weekend.  It was amazing.  It was so much fun, and it ended up being a very special time.  More on that later.  I posted that I was having a hard time writing my vows; here is what I came up with.

13 years ago, I didn’t know what love was.  I thought that I needed to be fixed, that I needed to be made better, and that you could do that.  I didn’t know that consistency was the goal and that your love was unconditional.  I’m sorry for all those times I deliberately put that to the test.  I couldn’t see that your love for me was not based on performance, and I didn’t have the self worth in place to understand why you tired so hard with me.  The scariest part about working through my own issues over the last 2 years is that I was worried that I’d find I didn’t need you anymore.  I was afraid that if I took that piece out of how I understood our relationship, then there’d be nothing left to stand on.  I could not have been more wrong.  When I took need out of the equation, I realized we are on the same team and we make each other better. I could finally understand every gesture, kind word, and bit of encouragement from you has always been nothing but love. 

I was afraid of what might happen if I became strong enough to not need you.  What happened was that I became dependent on Christ for my strength and needs and was able to level the playing field with you.  I could finally see how you fought for my heart from day one.  I don’t need you in the way I once thought I did.   But today I want you to know that I want you, I choose you, and I promise to make your complete acceptance of me my everyday reality. 

I promise to accept love from you and to look for ways to continually show you love.  I promise to keep working on taking down my walls and allowing myself to be affected by you.  I promise to strive to find comfort in the consistency you bring to my life.  I promise to continue to pray for you as the leader of our family and to trust you without wavering. 

I promise to listen without interrupting and to answer without arguing.  Wait.  I promise to TRY to listen without interrupting and answer without arguing.

I promise to let you in and to truly share this life with you as your equal, your partner, your wife.  Loving you and being loved by you doesn’t make me weak.  It makes me loved.  Little did I know that what I was fighting against was the very thing I needed most. 

I promise to choose growth over perfection as we move forward as partners on the same team. 

When I think about some of the struggles of the last 13 years, I take comfort in knowing that we aren’t defined by where we’ve been, but by where we’re going.  I’m excited to continue on this journey with you, to grow with you, to parent with you, to love you, and to be loved by you.