I Promise....

The anniversary celebration and vow renewal was last weekend.  It was amazing.  It was so much fun, and it ended up being a very special time.  More on that later.  I posted that I was having a hard time writing my vows; here is what I came up with.

13 years ago, I didn’t know what love was.  I thought that I needed to be fixed, that I needed to be made better, and that you could do that.  I didn’t know that consistency was the goal and that your love was unconditional.  I’m sorry for all those times I deliberately put that to the test.  I couldn’t see that your love for me was not based on performance, and I didn’t have the self worth in place to understand why you tired so hard with me.  The scariest part about working through my own issues over the last 2 years is that I was worried that I’d find I didn’t need you anymore.  I was afraid that if I took that piece out of how I understood our relationship, then there’d be nothing left to stand on.  I could not have been more wrong.  When I took need out of the equation, I realized we are on the same team and we make each other better. I could finally understand every gesture, kind word, and bit of encouragement from you has always been nothing but love. 

I was afraid of what might happen if I became strong enough to not need you.  What happened was that I became dependent on Christ for my strength and needs and was able to level the playing field with you.  I could finally see how you fought for my heart from day one.  I don’t need you in the way I once thought I did.   But today I want you to know that I want you, I choose you, and I promise to make your complete acceptance of me my everyday reality. 

I promise to accept love from you and to look for ways to continually show you love.  I promise to keep working on taking down my walls and allowing myself to be affected by you.  I promise to strive to find comfort in the consistency you bring to my life.  I promise to continue to pray for you as the leader of our family and to trust you without wavering. 

I promise to listen without interrupting and to answer without arguing.  Wait.  I promise to TRY to listen without interrupting and answer without arguing.

I promise to let you in and to truly share this life with you as your equal, your partner, your wife.  Loving you and being loved by you doesn’t make me weak.  It makes me loved.  Little did I know that what I was fighting against was the very thing I needed most. 

I promise to choose growth over perfection as we move forward as partners on the same team. 

When I think about some of the struggles of the last 13 years, I take comfort in knowing that we aren’t defined by where we’ve been, but by where we’re going.  I’m excited to continue on this journey with you, to grow with you, to parent with you, to love you, and to be loved by you. 

Vow Writing

B and I have been planning this vow renewal celebration for our 13th anniversary for about a year now.  It's tomorrow.  I don't have vows written yet.  I'm not totally sure what my deal is.  I like to write; writing usually comes pretty easy for me, and I always have lots to say.  I've had some ideas swirling in my head for a while, but every time I sit down to write, they don't sound right to me.  I have a page written, but I don't think I love any of it.  I keep coming back to it, thinking I'll be inspired to use it as a springboard to getting the perfect vows written.  That hasn't happened yet. 

It might be because I want them to be perfect.  I feel like I have a lot to fix, a lot to promise to make up for, and a lot that I want to acknowledge that I've over come.  I am in a different place than I ever have been before, and I want to properly appreciate where I am, without sounding like I'm magically fixed.  That's a tall order for a two minute speech. 

Prodigy In Me

This is the sermon series right now, and I'm trying hard to soak it all in and make something of it.  Some of the great quotes for this series:

• Will you embrace your misery and make it your ministry?
• Figure out what God designed you for and do it!  Pray for obsession, direction, and mandate from God.
• God will keep you in your sweet spot, but He'll never leave you in your comfort zone.
• God's strength is made perfect in my weakness, but His purpose is fulfilled in my strength.
• Nothing you have is something God needs, but everything you Have is all he will use.

I'm spending time trying to think about what this might mean for me.  I think the thought that screws me up is thinking that what I have to offer is too small.  I have felt like if God didn't have a big, BIG project for me, then it must not be something worthwhile.  I am reminding myself that big or small, God has given me something that he hasn't given to anyone else.  His purpose will be fulfilled in my strength.  I feel like I'm getting confirmation that He will use my writing.  I've gotten so many comments lately about notes I've written to people, or someone being inspired by something I posted on facebook.  I'm going to continue to pray that God will use it, big or small, for HIS glory.

Growing up, I wished I could sing.  Oh how I wished I could sing!  My sister could sing, but she didn't want to.  I used to pray and pray that if God would just give me the ability to sing, I would use it and sing all the time!  Well, someone told me the other day that he likes to write.  He said he isn't any good at it, but if he were, he'd write all the time.
Writing -- now that's something I can do.  It's all you, God.

This Too Shall Pass

This time last year I thought I’d never be happy.  Like really, deep down, not dependent on the day kind of happy.  I was heading into some dark closets with big skeletons, and I really didn’t think I’d come out of it ok.  I can remember days where story after story would replay in my head, and I just had this heaviness that felt like it would never go away.  I figured that my past wasn’t going to go away, and as long as it was there, then joy would not be. 

That was before I understood grace, I guess.  I mean, I assume that’s what the difference is.  I knew about grace.  I knew every bible verse and every song about grace.  But I hadn’t experienced grace.  For me, the grace came in two steps.  First, I allowed myself to accept grace for the things that I had done that I thought weren’t completely my fault.  I knew they were bad, but I also knew I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t have the abuse and self-worth issues.  So since I felt a little bit justified, I only needed a little bit of grace, at least that was my rationale.  Then there came a point where I made myself finally reach an age of accountability.  I’m not sure why this took so long, but I finally found myself at a point where I didn’t feel like I had any justification for something I had done.  Once the confession came, and there wasn’t anything I could do except accept grace, and move on, that’s when I felt like the flood gates of heaven opened and grace like rain covered me.  And that’s when I finally felt the darkness begin to fade.  That’s when I was able to finally recognize God’s crazy love for me.  That’s when I could finally feel loved by people around me.  I didn’t think it was ever going to happen, but I’m so thankful it did.  Not only do I feel like I have a sense of peace and joy, but I feel like I can finally move on.  As if peace and joy weren’t already huge big deal issues for me, moving on is just as awesome!

I’m still trying to process a lot of this.  On one hand, I feel like I want to move on, and not look back.  On another hand, I want to be able to recognize that all this junk in my past is just a small piece to the complicated, broken person I am today.  I want to be able to feely and openly talk with others about it in hopes of putting purpose to the pain, in that it can help someone else, but I sure don’t want to just be the girl that makes everything about her abusive past.  I’m going to continue to pray that God will just have his way with it.  I’ve completely given it to God to do with as he will, and I trust that whatever does or does not come out of that, is for the best.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve also completely given my writing to God.  I don’t know if he has any plans for it or not.  I don’t know if anything will come of this blog or not.  I used to be really good about sending people handwritten notes and cards, and I’d like to get back to that.  I know that I’m much more comfortable sharing love and encouragement in writing than I am in person, so I’m praying that maybe God can use that.  I’m not sure, but I feel like this might be the gift he has given me to use for his glory.  If it’s “only” sending encouraging words to people who need it, then so be it.  I will be faithful in the small things and trust his direction and leading.  I used to stress and worry so much about being in God’s will.  In college, I was certain there was 1 career, 1 future employer, 1 job that he had planned for me and if I wasn’t listening carefully enough then I’d screw it up.  Man, just writing that now gives me anxiety all over again!  But now, I have a sense of peace when it comes to thinking about being in God’s will.  What does he ask?  Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Love your neighbor as yourself.  If I’ve got those things down, and I’m open to his leading, then I’m good to go.  Perhaps for the first time ever, I’m open to his leading, and there is such joy and peace in that.

My Voice

I have this need to be heard.  I'm not sure where it stems from, but I want to be heard.

I think I'm funny.  I think people would enjoy my thoughts.  I feel like my thoughts are wasted if not shared.  I would love to have people around me all the time to just listen to everything.  I have a constant dialogue in my head where I anticipate what someone would have said if they heard my thoughts, and then I respond again.

I reply back to every text, email, and message.  I just like to dialogue with people.  I also know that I can be better when I have input from others.  So I like to get feedback on my thoughts.

I suppose all this immediate replying can be a bit much for some people. 

Fresh Starts

I got told that I write well. That makes me want to write. Need to do it much more.