This Much I know

I hesitate to spend much time thinking about this because I have found that the quickest way to not be "good" is to claim that you're "good."

But, you heard it here first.....I'm good.

This year has been another great year of healing and restoration.  I feel like so much of what used to weigh heavily on me has been washed by grace.  I can walk away from conversations that used to send me into a tailspin with a new sense of peace and an understanding that it's not my problem to solve.  Boundaries are firmly in place, and I have done the work I needed to do to detach and separate my self worth from other people's opinions of me.  I have an assurance that my feet are firmly planted in Christ's love for me.  I'm good.

I have a firm sense that God truly is at work in my life, and that He is working all things for my good.  I have become part of the Student Ministries Team, where God has blessed me with an awesome group of girls to work with.  I love the fact that working with this ministry taps into the healthy stuff of my life.  This isn't a group of troubled girls.  I don't need to draw on my own troubled past in order to connect with them.  God's hand and God's timing is covering this entire aspect of my life right now, and I'm excited to be a part of it.

I have a hope, which leads to the faith to trust, and the confidence to become all that God has created me to be.  I have been given several opportunities to help others see that there are specific traits and skills that God has given them to use.  After pointing this out to enough people, I started to think that maybe that is true in my own life.  I have always had this huge, big picture perspective and thought that I needed to find something great to do.  When I switch to a smaller perspective and focus on the little ways that God has uniquely gifted me, it changes everything. I now understand how thinking small will lead to the big.  And it's the only way to get there.

The reason I hesitate to think about this is because I'm still working on letting go of the victim mindset I've had for so very long.  I feel like things need to be a mess in order for me to be comfortable.  I feel like I need chaos in order to have people involved in my life.  I've come a long way in this thinking, but I was afraid that by declaring that I'm good it would feel like I was giving up the pursuit of getting better.  I now get that those two things are not mutually exclusive.  I'm so much better, healthier, than I've ever been, and yet I'm also still so committed to continually getting better, and healthier, in every part of my life.  I'm also afraid of the cliche of walking out of rehab, only to find myself back a few months later.  So I'm not walking away from rehab.  I'm switching from the inpatient program to the day program.  I'm still committed to taking care of myself, and I'm still aware of how fragile my self worth is.  I'm in good shape today, and I've got a whole toolbox to help me if I'm not in good shape tomorrow. 

But today, I'm good.  This much I know.

Turn Right to Go Left

So I'm really struggling through some things in my head right now.  Struggling with self doubt, struggling with body image, struggling with insecurities that just won't seem to go away.  There are things that I thought I had dealt with that are just manifesting themselves in my life in a different way than before.  The phrase I keep coming back to is trading one addiction for another.  I've done a lot of work in a lot of different areas, but there are just some deeply ingrained coping mechanisms that continue to creep back up in one form or another.  While the addictions themselves are not good, the worse part is the reason behind them.  The reason I want to eat, puke, smoke, cut, sleep, drink, etc is the thing that needs to still be dealt with.  I suppose just the fact that I can recognize that is a sign of growth right there.

I've got some things set up on my social media that are there for the sole purpose of just helping me to build some awareness.  I started following certain people or groups not with the intent to copy them to get the results they got, but just to start to watch what they do and say.  One of the themes I'm noticing is that before you can beat the self doubt, before you can squash the insecurity issues, you have to already not have self doubt and insecurities.  I'm hoping a "fake it til you make it" mentality will work, because I just can't seem to get there yet.

One of my big issues right now is body image.  I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight.  The one thing I've noticed from all of the transformation people I follow on Instagram is that they will all say they had to love themselves as they were before they could create lasting change.  It seems so counter-intuitive.  I'll love myself when I'm thinner.  In my mind, if I love myself now, then that's saying this is okay, and it's not.  I know myself pretty well, and if there's a loophole to be found, I will find it.  I'm afraid that accepting, no not only accepting, but actually loving myself will feel like permission to just stay the same.

Logically, I think I understand how this works.  I get the whole big picture idea that God loves us just as we are, but loves us too much to let us stay there.  It makes sense to me that once I truly love and appreciate myself fully, I'll want to take care of myself, and it will lead to better, healthier choices.  Logically, it makes perfect sense.  I'd try to sell that to someone else.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe about myself.

I'll love me when I'm better, but I can't be better until I love me.  It's a crazy cycle.

All Up In Here

In my head I'm a very loving person.  I have so many kind thoughts about what should be done for others or what should be said to someone.  I very rarely act on those thoughts.  I thought that I didn't follow through with my ideas because I'm introverted and just didn't want to interact with people that much, but now I'm not convinced that introversion is my real reason for holding back.

I've been thinking a lot about being who God really created me to be.  I love this idea that God gave me unique talents, gifts, personality, and thoughts that are specific to me.  Who am I that the creator of the universe would put so much thought into weaving together these intricate details that make me me?  I'm his daughter, that's who.  And with those intricate details that are only mine comes a responsibility, a freeing and empowering responsibility to just be me.  To be the best version of me that I can be.

I see a lady struggling with her kids at a restaurant and I think "someone should make her day and pay for her meal."  I see an elderly man trying to unload his groceries and I think "someone should help him."  I see a girl crying while pumping her gas and I think "someone should go talk to her."  I see a pastor pouring his heart and soul into ministry and I think "someone should encourage him."  Most of the time, I act on none of it.  Although I'm teaching my kids to spot it and do it.  Cade has no problem inserting himself into someone else's life like that, so I send him.  And on one hand that's good because hopefully he's learning to look out for others, and serve others, but on the other hand, that doesn't let me off the hook at all.

So in thinking about these things that happen in my head and never in real life, I was trying to think about what holds me back from doing them.  I came up with three fears that stop me in my tracks every time.

1. It will take up too much of my own time.  What if giving and serving others takes more than I want to offer?  What if a quick task turns into something bigger?  I'm not good with boundaries or confrontation or difficult conversations, and I'm afraid I'll have to either tell someone no or else be sucked into something much bigger than what I wanted to give.  
2. I'm afraid my loving words or deeds will be misconstrued to be seen as romantic or inappropriate feelings.  This is one hundred percent my own baggage.  This fear comes from a couple different places, one being "did this happen because I was asking for it?  Is this somehow my fault?"  So I put up this great big wall, a huge brick wall with barbed wire around the top, and shards of glass sticking out from the brick.  I give off this "I don't like you" vibe to nearly everyone, just in case.  Just to be clear, I error on the side of "I have no interest in you."  Wow, did not realize how big of a deal this one was until I started writing this.  This is where there is healing that still needs to happen.  Healing and restoration. 
3. I'm also afraid that I will put all this love out there into the world, and none will come back to me.  I'm afraid that I will invest in other people, I will bless other people, I will encourage them and love them, and then when I'm down they won't do the same.  If I haven't invested in anyone else, then it's okay when nobody comes alongside me when I'm struggling.  I'm afraid that I need to keep love for myself; that I need to love myself because nobody else will.  I've invested pretty heavily into some friendships over the last year or so, and yet still wonder if the other person would text if I stopped texting them.  And it shouldn't matter, I know that.  I have this loving God who has the whole world in his hands, but last I checked he didn't have a cell phone in his hand.  When it's me that needs the encouragement and needs to feel loved and cared for, will He hold up his end of the deal and provide comfort?  I don't know. I think of this like the tithing thing, where it's all his anyway, and if I just give him a little, he will return it back to me so many more times over.  Logically, I can buy into that.  Emotionally, I'm not there yet.  I'm not able to trust that if I give of myself, if I invest my love in others, then he will fill me back up.  

So, what if the good that God created in me really is in my ability to see brokenness all around and see tangible ways to make it a little better?  What if my head isn't a mess, but actually hardwired to love and be loved?  What if the God who is faithful and just really does have a plan for this broken world, a plan that involves me holding a door, smiling at a stranger, buying lunch for a tired mother, or grabbing a coffee for a coworker?  What if up in my head is where he is doing some of his best work yet?  If I were to buy into that, and trust God for the rest, who knows where it could lead.

Open and Shut

Ahhhhhh, it happened, just like it always does.  I miss a day or two of posting, and then it's a week, and then it turns into two months with no posts.  I've thought a million times about different things I wanted to write about, I just didn't make the time to do so.  Oh well, I'll just jump back in.

I feel like I've reached the critical point in a couple of my relationships where I have to consciously decide to stay open and continue to build the friendship rather than shut down and retreat.  I don't handle this point well.  I can look back on some friendships I've had that started to get a little too personal and see how I sabotaged them so that I could remain isolated and not have people on the inside.  But then I hit a rough patch in life and I wonder why people aren't coming along side me to be supportive and help.  It's because I had shut them out.  I know I can't have it both ways.

I'm not really sure how to do it.  I guess it's by sharing more personal things and trusting the person to do the same, as they feel comfortable doing so.  It's just weird to me.  I never had a best friend growing up.  I never thought I was interesting enough to maintain someones friendship.  I guess I never thought anyone would find it fun to hang out and just do nothing with me.  I am pretty good about sticking to an agenda or serving a purpose, it's after that that I don't feel like I have anything to offer to the relationship.  Perhaps it's based on not thinking very highly of myself, or not trusting myself, but I haven't done this very well thus far.

This topic seemed a little more interesting in my head. I guess I'll just keep plugging away with the couple of friendships I have been investing in, and see what naturally unfolds, when I decide to remain open.

Who Knew

I’m kind of wading through a tough season right now.  It’s not at all something I would have expected to be so effected by.  I really have no idea who (if anyone) reads this, so the situation will be described in generalities.

This job has been one of those times where I know that God just lined everything up perfectly.  The timing of it in regards to other things happening in my life could not have been more perfect.  In the first year at this position I was working through some pretty dark stuff from my past, and every thought and every memory would rain down negativity into my world and all I could see were so many ways that I had screwed up and so many reasons why I’d not amount to anything more.  It was during this time that I had the privilege of working with someone who not only saw my strengths and worked to draw them out of me, but also empowered me in a way that made me start to see them too.  For the first time I was starting to think that I really might be okay, maybe even a little awesome, despite it all.  Every interaction I had with this woman just poured encouragement into me that much more.  It wasn’t a close relationship; it really wasn’t much more than a casual working relationship, but her position in my life at that time was exactly what I needed to keep going, keep digging, keep working through junk with a hope that I would come out okay on the other side.

So everything is in this huge state of flux right now.  I don’t mind change, per se, but I am very bothered by uncertainty.  That alone has me a little freaked out.  But in addition to the general uncertainty, it has become clear that we won’t be working together anymore.  As if that weren’t upsetting enough, I was actually a member of the search committee that had a hand in this decision.  I’ve never prayed so hard for wisdom in my entire life.  I’ve never chosen my words as carefully as I did during those committee discussions.  I have a hope that there is something better coming for both of us, something better than either of us could have planned.  Hanging onto that hope is just about the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind right now.  The emotion I have surrounding this whole situation is completely surprising to me because, honestly, if I were to list my “friends” or even “influential people” in my life, I’m not even sure she would have made either list.  Maybe it’s just tough because I hate conflict and don’t like anyone to be upset, but I think it might be more than that. 

Whatever it is, it’s not fun.  I’m trying to understand the purpose behind it.  I would say that this is one of the first times I’ve walked through a decision like this with the utmost integrity.  I thought that by doing everything the right way this time that God would honor that and everything would turn out perfect.  And maybe it still will.  Maybe I have too small of an idea of what “perfect” can look like.  I can only cling to what I know to be the character of an all-loving God who is continually shaping me into the image he has for me.  I’m disappointed, but I have a hope that it’s not over yet.

Whatcha Got?

This is one of those times where I can feel the stars aligning.  I’m holding my breath, waiting to see how it’s going to turn out.  

Sometimes my life is in such a state of flux, and I am not ready to take on anything new.  I’m busy with adjusting and living, and I’m content with that.  Then things settle, and I remember that I’m forever in pursuit of what I used to describe as “God’s will for my life,” but have since come to realize that I’m simply looking for how I can make a difference.  The last 18-24 months have been that state of flux.  I’ve been busy digging and dealing, adjusting and healing, and certainly not looking to do much more than survive.  As things become settled, I can feel the restlessness building up again.  In the past this has been a huge source of frustration for me, even to the point of panic.  I always thought that there was ONE thing God wanted me to do, and it was BIG and if I didn’t figure it out, then this life was a waste.  I’m excited to feel like maybe I’ve grown up a little, or at least healed a little, and grown in my understanding of Christ a little, because it’s not frustration and panic this time around.  It’s excitement, wide-eyed wonder, and calm anticipation.

The phrase Jillian Michaels uses a lot says something about “what you put out into the world.”  That’s been resonating with me.  It sure takes the pressure off ONE BIG thing.  It doesn’t have to be anything big.  There’s something that God has placed in me that I can offer to whomever, on however small of a scale, that WILL make a difference.  I smiled and said good morning to someone in the elevator the other day, which is very much not my normal socialization, and it dawned on me just how far the friendliness I put out there might reach.  Did I brighten her day enough to cause her to be extra cheerful to the first angry caller of the day?  Will her cheerfulness change the mood of that caller, who then smiles and tells the cashier at the grocery store to have a great day?  Will the cashier be so affected by the kindness that she has a spring in her step when she picks up her daughter from daycare?  Will mommy’s good mood cause the daughter to greet daddy with hugs and smiles instead of tears when he walks in from a long day?  Maybe not…..but maybe so.

With this idea that I don’t have to do ONE BIG thing to make a difference, I’m a little less panicked in my search for doing what God designed me to do.  Less panicked does not mean less interested or less motivated.  I have been thinking about what this design might be.  I’m trying to think about the unique gifts God has given me.  Truth be told, for someone who lacks confidence and has self-worth issues, it is difficult to think that there really might be something I’m good at that will make a difference.  I’ve been going back through old journal entries and came across the notes from the ‘Prodigy In Me’ series at church, and I’ve been really praying for an obsession, direction, and mandate from God.  There are some interesting opportunities about to come up at work, and I can’t help but wonder if the timing of this is God. 

I’m reading 4 different books right now, and I’m really trying to finish “Quiet” by Susan Cain because it’s a library book and it’s due soon, but it’s just not a quick read.  I was reading some of it at lunch time today and came across something that fits right in with praying for an obsession.  She talks about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s research on a state of being that he calls “flow.” 

                “Flow is an optimal state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity… In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy.  Hours pass without your noticing.  The key to flow is to pursue an activity for its own sake, not for the rewards it brings.”   --Susan Cain

She goes on to explain that the way an introvert finds their flow is by using their gifts.  So I’m trying to think about those times when I’m doing something I so genuinely enjoy that time passes quickly and the fulfillment comes easily. 

In case these ideas coming together all at the same time wasn’t enough confirmation for me, yesterday’s message also hit on some of these ideas. 

“What God wants to do in you and through you is bigger than you can imagine.” 

“When I _____________, I feel God’s pleasure.”

What if what God wants to use is simply me being me?  I’m so self-conscience about really being myself.  I can be too bold, too blunt, too much.  I find myself trying to tone down my true personality a lot of the time.  What if God has plans for the things I can say or do only when I am being authentic?  I don’t know if there’s anything to this or not, it just occurred to me as I’m processing this stuff. 

Whatever it might end up being, it feels good to be thinking along these lines.  It feels like moving forward.  It feels like moving from grieving to healing to living.  It feels like a great place to hang out and do some growing.

Never Once

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once."  The very first time I heard it, I hated it.  I thought it gave a terrible message of false hope.  One of the lines says "never once did we ever walk alone."  That line right there made me so mad.  At first I was mad because it's just not true.  There were plenty of times when I needed God the most and he was nowhere to be found.  I didn't understand why there were so many times that I had asked God to rescue me and he didn't. 

The more I heard the song, the more my thinking began to shift.  This was incredibly hard for me to reconcile because it meant that all along I had been wrong.  I don't deal well with that.  But I do deal well with logic.  If I believe the Bible, which I do, then I must believe that "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:39

I can't have it both ways.  I can't believe that nothing separates me from God's love and also believe that God abandoned me, or purposely didn't rescue me.  I don't know much about love, but I know that those two ideas are mutually exclusive.

So as I continued to hear this song played at different times, it started to sink in that God really was always there.  In the good stuff, the messy stuff, and the painful stuff.  While that frustrates me because he didn't show up like I wanted him to, it's also incredibly comforting at the same time. I have a hard time grasping unconditional love, so it's easy for me to dismiss God because of my limited understanding.  But when I really start to daydream and wonder and think "wouldn't it be cool if...", I start to kind of get it.  Even then, I'm pretty sure I only see one small slice of how great God is. 

One part of the song that I have come to appreciate says "scars and struggles on the way", because it validates that this life isn't easy, and even living a life with Christ at the center doesn't make it less painful. 

I still struggle with God not meeting my needs in the way that I think he should.  I still have this void of not having unconditional love from my parents.  It's still painful and not healed or restored, but I know that God is faithful.  And even if he doesn't choose to take care of that this side of heaven, he is still God, and he is still good, and never once did he leave me on my own. 

Find The Awesome

In an effort to make this blog a little less depressing, it's been on my topic list for a while to write about things my parents did right.  I've bashed them quite a bit here, and eventually I may even remove some of those old posts.  I'm definitely torn between sharing the full version of my story, even the parts where my parents suck, versus taking things down in an effort to be more honoring towards my parents. 
Anyway........I'm going to try to think of some positives about my parents. 

My dad is a very cool guy.  He's an engineer and very, very bright.  He can solve any problem.  He has the perfect mix of both book smarts and common sense smarts.  The really interesting thing about him is that even though he's an engineer and very smart, he's also very creative.  He's definitely where I get my hidden creativity from.  I remember in elementary school I had a book report to do, and the project involved making a diorama to go with the book.  I didn't read the book, but I knew it was about a boy and his baseball card collection.  I had an idea in my head of what I wanted the diorama to look like, and the night before it was due, I told my dad about it.  He created the coolest project!  We didn't have a shoe box, so he made this wooden display for me, complete with these miniature little tables, with these tiny little pretend baseball cards on the tables.  It was awesome.  For a girl who always felt misunderstood, I remember knowing just how awesome it was that he created something that perfectly matched the idea in my head. 

I wanted to include his name in Colin's middle name because my dad is funny, smart, and creative, and I want all those things for my boys as well.

My mom  -- wow, this one is harder.  My mom is a very brilliant oncology nurse.  She's worked at the same office for nearly 30 years, and she knows her stuff.  I often times forget how knowledgeable she is, because when I ask her health related questions about myself and the kids, she is often no better than webMD.  A couple years ago my cousin lost her husband to cancer.  My mom was on the phone with her everyday, telling her what to expect next, answering questions, and walking with her through the entire process.  I could see just how much that meant to my cousin, and the rest of the family, and I also know that my mom doesn't do that only for family.  She treats all of her patients like family, and her knowledge and expertise means the world to so many people every single day.  I definitely don't give her enough credit in this area.

If there is one thing I want my kids to get from my mom it's her love of family.  She never misses a family gathering, she takes care of her mom and dad, and she is loyal to her siblings.  She quickly forgives and expects the best from them, regardless of the past. 

So there ya go, Ive managed to find the awesome in both of my parents. 

Tis the Season

There is something about this time of year that has always excited me.  Not just the fact that it's the end of the school year.  Something bigger than that.  For me, this graduation season has always held a spark of promise, the possibility that RIGHT NOW you can be anything you want to be. As someone who knew without a doubt that I'd be going to college right after high school, thinking about the summer after graduation was a hobby of mine.  I dreamed about the shopping trips I'd take with a parent, the bedding I'd pick out for my dorm room, the road trip I'd take to meet my new roommate before school began, the memories I'd talk about with my mom while she helped me pack, and the final hang outs I'd plan with my friends before leaving. 

None of that happend for me.  None of that went as planned.

Yes, my life has turned out better than I could have possibly hoped.  Yes, yes, YES.  But there's still a part of me that grieves that experience I longed for and never got.  This is the time of year that I think about what could have been, and even all these years later, it still makes me sad.  Because I'm a planner, June represented the possibilities of the future, because by the time August came, everything would be set.  That's why it's now and not fall that triggers this for me. 

I was going to go to GVSU to become a physician's assistant.  Nobody talked to me about my interests, my career goals, my future possibilities.  I looked over the list of majors and picked something that I thought sounded impressive.  (Here's how little I knew about it -- I didn't realize it was a 6 year program until weeks into my first semester.)  I didn't have adults talking to me about my future, and I definitely made my own conclusions as to why.  Nobody took me shopping to buy fun stuff for my college dorm.  Nobody helped me pack for college.  Nobody talked about childhood memories and how much they were going to miss me.  I talked to my future roommate on the phone once, but she lived in Chicago and I had no money, so a roadtrip was out of the question.  I became depressed and withdrawn; I worked a ton trying to save money for college, and by the end of the summer I didn't have any plans with friends before leaving.  Nothing went as I had hoped it would. 

The ironic thing is that as this is all unfolding, I'm recognizing that it's not going as planned, and I almost tried to give myself a second chance at making it happen.  That summer I worked with a girl who was a few years older than me.  She had started working fulltime right after high school to save money to pay for college.  So even though she wasn't fresh out of high school, she was getting ready for her first "going away to colllege" experience.  By about July of that summer, when I'm seeing how much my parents are failing to do anything on my dream list, I started thinking that I 'd just delay college.  I would just do what she did, work for a few years, and try again later.  Not because I needed the money, but because I wanted to give my parents a second chance to not suck.  Even with my limited wisdom, I knew that delaying the process was not going to help anything, so I didn't go that route.

The whole situation had me set up to fail from the very beginning, so it's no wonder I only stayed at GVSU one semester.  My dad and sister dropped me off at college.  I wasn't close to either of them so it really wasn't anything special.  There weren't any encouraging words or happy memories exchanged.  At the time there wasn't any sort of system for incoming freshman to make sure they didn't't get lost in the shuffle, so that I did.  I cried most of the day for the first week or two.  Not because I was homesick.  It was more for the fact that I felt like I didn't have a home anymore.  I didn't have either of my parents talking excitedly about me coming home for Thanksgiving.  I didn't know if either of them would even come get me for the holiday.  And I sure didn't feel like I fit in there.  It was a mess.  I was a mess.  It certainly wasn't anything like what I had hoped and dreamed it would be.

Sixteen years later, this is still the season that represents so much possibility.  In this healing phase that I'm in, I'm looking for ways to use that excitement and possibilities within the context of where I am now.  For me, that doesn't come without first grieving the loss of a dream.

I'm a Runner

I think I've written my running back-story before, and that was not my intent with this post.  It's a good story though, and I'll be sure to write it up if I discover that I haven't already.  It took me a long time before I could say so, but for the purpose of this post, I'm just going to say that I'm a runner.

So today while I was running, it occurred to me that one of the reasons I like running is because I am in control.  I am the one to push myself to run harder and farther than I thought I could.  I'm the one that decides when I sprint and when I walk.  I'm not the victim when I'm running, and that is a role I have a hard time letting go of.

I have always felt like I was under someone else, controlled by someone else, made smaller so as to be accepted by someone else.  I have always struggled with feeling like I didn't have the power or the right to say yes or no.  This victimhood is where I lived my life for so long that it began to feel like home.  That was my comfort zone.  As long as something was happening TO me, then I was ok.  The problem with that mentality is that sometimes life does let up; sometimes you do get some streaks of good luck and you find that life is really pretty good.  And you don't know what to do with that, so you create your own drama and find a way to get back to the life you know and love, the life of victim.  For the longest time, one of the hardest things for me to hear was someone telling me how great I had things, because I just didn't even know what to do with that.  When life was good, I found myself running in the opposite direction, looking for trouble.

Being in control and being happy with how well things are going has been one of the tough things for me to learn on this healing journey.  There are days that I still struggle with it.  It seems silly.  It seems like a ridiculous problem to have, I know.  I suppose that's just par for my screwed up course of life.  (See, I STILL think of myself as the victim!)

I ran today for the first time since the half marathon over a month ago.  I was dreading this run because I was worried about how much endurance I had lost.  I planned for 3 miles, regardless how long it would take.  I felt pretty good for the first mile, better than I expected actually.  And really, mile two wasn't too tough either.  Mile three was when I started to get winded and started to adjust for some walk breaks.  My first thought was that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.  If I want to walk, then I'll walk, dammit!  Then I thought that while I might be entitled to take as long as I damn well please, was that really what I wanted for myself?  If I wanted to feel like I had done my best, then I'd have to push myself.  Nobody else was going to do it for me.  If I ended up walking the whole last mile, I didn't have anyone to blame but myself, because when I'm out running, I'm not the victim of someone else.  It's up to me to have the audacity to decide that I can do something that might be hard.  I can decide that I want something better than a walking pace.  I can decide that I'm worth working hard for, and I'm worth being proud of.  I'm a runner and I'm going to push myself to do something that I can feel proud of.  I don't have to make myself smaller so I can fit under someone else.  I can't be both victim and runner, and I choose runner.

Progress on Steps One, OneB, and OneC

This post is an update to this post.

Step One -- So there we go, step one is make humility a top priority and let go of being right because of the perceived arrogance that comes with it.
Let's see, I think I've made good progress on this one.  I had an incredible opportunity for growth over the last several weeks.  I've had the privilege of having frequent interactions with someone who pushes my buttons and brings out my argumentative spirit.  I've made thoughtful progress during conversations, as well as sat down to reflect on how things went after most conversations I had with her.  (Wow.  That makes me sound like such a dork.)  I thought about what I said, the tone I used, and how I might say or do something different in my next interaction so that I am displaying a respectful attitude.  It's far from perfect or even natural; it's something I will continue to be mindful of.  I think I've gotten better, but there's still lots of room for improvement.

Step OneB -- The next thing we talked about was at what point in my relationships do I put the wall up.
I've made big progress on this one too!  This one has been surprisingly fun, even for an introvert with self worth issues.  I've made conscience efforts to be vulnerable in conversations.  I've given a lot of friends a lot of information lately.  It's been fun to see how they are able to connect with me when I give them even the smallest bit to latch on to.  It's been healing for me to share things and have friends follow up in a meaningful way.  It's also been fun to reciprocate!  I've never been a fan of small talk, and I considered most things small talk.  I avoided it at all cost because I didn't have any interest in knowing about someone else's personal life, and I didn't want the responsibility of following up.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  I've done so much better about this, and have even enjoyed it.  I've already seen a couple of my relationships grow stronger because of this.  I feel like now I can be more caring and compassionate, which is something I always wanted and never knew how to do.  I've seen awesome growth in this area.

Step OneC -- This step is going to be a lot of looking at a current filter, deciding if it was put there by someone or something else or if it truly is something that is part of me now. 
This is a slow process.  I think I've made slight improvements towards this.  I've made time to do things with friends who push me to be real and not just a follower.  I haven't really had the time to retreat by myself to think about this one, but hopefully I can try that this summer.  Change will be slow, but hopefully long lasting.   

The Broken Comfort Zone

I've heard every cliche about comfort zones.  You don't grow when you stay in your comfort zone, you miss out on opportunities, you miss out on relationships...all that stuff.  There are plenty of good reasons to buck the system and try new things.  That knowledge doesn't necessarily make it easier to do, but perhaps makes me more aware of the need to keep stretching and growing.  This is nothing new, and I'm sure it applies to everyone.

I have a whole other set of reasons for pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is a battle ground.  My comfort zone is chaos, drama, pain, manipulation, fear, lies, and denial.  Why would anyone want to hang out there?  The logical, head knowledge, part of me knows that I should go running in the opposite direction as fast as I can, and not look back.  If I were watching someone else live this life, and watching their story unfold, I'd definitely judge them for not running.  I can totally see the logical side of it.  But this is what I know, this is the mess I've lived in for so long, this is the system I know how to work. 

Part of my therapy and moving on is identifying triggers and being ready to handle them so I don't "relapse." Truth be told, sometimes all I want to do is relapse.  I want to go back to the mess, because it was my mess and I was comfortable there.  Some days it really is hard to do the right thing, to take the next right step on this healing journey, because it's hard work; it's not easy; it's not second nature yet.  Sometimes it's just not fun. 

There are definitely days that I look around and life feels too quiet.  I wish I could say that I never think of my old habits, but that's just not true.  When life is quiet, I know exactly how to stir things up.  I know exactly how to make things a mess so that I can be comfortable in the midst of chaos again.  But I'm working hard at not going back there.  I'm working hard at looking for love through my new, healthy lens.  I'm starting to be aware of things that are said and done out of love.  I'm also working on remembering that even if it wasn't today that a friend sent me a thoughtful text, I'm still loved today.  I grew up in a place where feelings and emotions changed from moment to moment, sometimes with no rhyme or reason.  I have this horrible 'needy' habit of wanting to be told/shown love every minute of everyday.  I have a husband who is more than willing to accommodate that need, but I've gotten good at dismissing his love as "have to."  He doesn't have to do anything.  He chooses to show me love in a variety of meaningful ways.  It's up to me to receive it.  It's up to me to understand that my broken comfort zone of chaos, isn't reality.  I have stable people in my life who don't waiver in their love, and who don't love me based on performance, and who consistently love me even when it's quiet.  It's up to me to fight to stay there, and not slip back into the chaos I (used to) love.

I Promise....

The anniversary celebration and vow renewal was last weekend.  It was amazing.  It was so much fun, and it ended up being a very special time.  More on that later.  I posted that I was having a hard time writing my vows; here is what I came up with.

13 years ago, I didn’t know what love was.  I thought that I needed to be fixed, that I needed to be made better, and that you could do that.  I didn’t know that consistency was the goal and that your love was unconditional.  I’m sorry for all those times I deliberately put that to the test.  I couldn’t see that your love for me was not based on performance, and I didn’t have the self worth in place to understand why you tired so hard with me.  The scariest part about working through my own issues over the last 2 years is that I was worried that I’d find I didn’t need you anymore.  I was afraid that if I took that piece out of how I understood our relationship, then there’d be nothing left to stand on.  I could not have been more wrong.  When I took need out of the equation, I realized we are on the same team and we make each other better. I could finally understand every gesture, kind word, and bit of encouragement from you has always been nothing but love. 

I was afraid of what might happen if I became strong enough to not need you.  What happened was that I became dependent on Christ for my strength and needs and was able to level the playing field with you.  I could finally see how you fought for my heart from day one.  I don’t need you in the way I once thought I did.   But today I want you to know that I want you, I choose you, and I promise to make your complete acceptance of me my everyday reality. 

I promise to accept love from you and to look for ways to continually show you love.  I promise to keep working on taking down my walls and allowing myself to be affected by you.  I promise to strive to find comfort in the consistency you bring to my life.  I promise to continue to pray for you as the leader of our family and to trust you without wavering. 

I promise to listen without interrupting and to answer without arguing.  Wait.  I promise to TRY to listen without interrupting and answer without arguing.

I promise to let you in and to truly share this life with you as your equal, your partner, your wife.  Loving you and being loved by you doesn’t make me weak.  It makes me loved.  Little did I know that what I was fighting against was the very thing I needed most. 

I promise to choose growth over perfection as we move forward as partners on the same team. 

When I think about some of the struggles of the last 13 years, I take comfort in knowing that we aren’t defined by where we’ve been, but by where we’re going.  I’m excited to continue on this journey with you, to grow with you, to parent with you, to love you, and to be loved by you.